Evacuation notice

PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE

As a public service to all our fantasy players and partners out there, after the week's events I'd like to issue this quick, drop and cover style evacuation notice for any players you have from the following teams (bar say, kickers and the defence).

Philadelphia Eagles*

We should all also take a moment to mourn the loss of Dallas Cowboy's starting QB, Tony Romo, who broke his collar bone against the totally BS Eagles team.  The Tone had beady eyes like Millhouse and never had Chip Kelly ruining shit for him, but he was better than our former-PM by a long shot and a pretty awesome QB (especially in fantasy terms, which I suppose was for comedians all our former-PM was good for).  It is notable that this notice is not for the Dallas Cowboys, despite losing Tony Romo.  Nor is it for the Australian Liberal Party, despite their loss of their all round Rhodes-scholar-attack-dog-opposition-PM combo package that was way cheaper than buying all those items separately.

That is all.


*Yes, lots of great players, but no chance of making great plays thanks to the Chipster, whom was known for trying to sing Witch Doctor poorly as recently as last week in his earnest attempts to be good at something that even a pipsqueak rodent is good at.  Don't believe me?  Check out this:

Yo DJ pump this party - except of course, if you are an Eagle's fan.

Week 2: Match-ups

Week 2 is upon us and what did we learn from Week 1? Open question, I have no idea (except TE's are trending hot this season, amiright Agent P!). The player movement has been active this week suggesting many of us are looking for answers anywhere but our draft list. Who put the draft rankings together anyway? What was I thinking?

Some changes around the League this week with new Headers and Identities. I hope you like them.


 

Lighties (108) v Farnsworth's (110)

The Lighties were all talk this week, even trotting out evidence of their pre-season homework after they won the game. Let's see how that goes after the Farn's break their bolo-tie enchantments (and hearts) in Week 2. For the Farn's, Adrian Peterson will be looking for a big week after floundering in Week 1, Ryan at the Giants should post high stats. The Lighties have two players active today that may make or break the Head Coaches weekend.

Forces (110) v Breesus (110)

The projections are even at this stage, but the General is heavily invested in Peyton Manning looking like his 37 year old self and not his 39 year old self. He, quite frankly, sucked last week. The General also made a surprise move by dumping injured WR Dez Bryant back into the player pool rather than leaving him on the bench. I bet he won't make it past Waivers. Drew Brees against Tampa Bay is a match-up made in heaven, the Bucs gave up 4 TDs to a first-game rookie last week. For shame. Not sure Hyde will have the same game against the Steelers as the Vikings, though.

Marcy (108) v Zim (100)

Both QBs go up against strong Defence's this week, so settling for low numbers may be wise. Zim is going to need Lynch and Graham to settle in to the game plan this week while Marcy will keep an eye on her favourite Kicker, Parkey, who blew a game-winning attempt last week.

Agent P (120) v BB (116)

Two highly projected teams this week, both riding high on their QBs. Luck failed last week, it's unlikely he will do so twice in a row. Romo was average, but knocked it out of the park in the last 6 minutes of the game when it counted. Another TE battle shaping up for Agent P with Kelce looking at a Gronking this week.

Doof (96) v Endless (122)

Endless starts this week with the highest projected score against Doof with the lowest. Something is horribly wrong in Doof Towers, with even a zero-projected WR in the active list. Wake up, Doof! Shake off the BToP sorcery and move on! Wilson, Lacey and Cooks are a fine triple of Endless that could take her far this season, with Hill and Donnell providing solid support. Although, Donnell and Cooks and the Texans all sucked in Week 1 costing Endless the win. So who knows?

Week 1: Awards

Here we are, the weekly awards where we acknowledge outstanding achievement.

Our three Awards will continue this year: the Mission Accomplished Award, the Hypnotoad and the Gardener. I have not yet prepared the actual awards, so we will have to make do with the acknowledgement for now.

Hypnotoad Award

The Hypnotoad Award recognises outstanding achievement in scoring
Congrat's to Bradlessbrothers for opening the season with the biggest score, a very tidy 119. The Gronk kicked it off with 27 on Friday and was ably followed by Romo (22), Jones (26) and Ingram (12).

Mission Accomplished

The Mission Accomplished Award recognises outstanding achievement in walking away early and not finishing it off
Congrat's to Agent P for this week leaving the most points on the bench in a losing team with 61. Of those points, probably only K. Wright's points were potentially useful. I for one am happy to blame Eli Manning.

Week 1: Wash-up

Week 1 is done and we have the customary five winners and five losers. Given the previous post by the chatty Illuminators there is no guessing which side I came up on. So let's take a quick look at the other games and come back to the Lighties and their 'win' shortly.

If there is anything consistent through the games I think it is this: wtf? What just happened? Week 1 is supposed to be crazy, right? But this crazy? TE's scoring like rabbits, RB's not even bothering, WRs not receiving and QBs... huh? Peyton Manning, is that you in there?

The General (90) def Endless (83)

The closest game of the week, Endless had four players over 10 points while the General had only two. And still the General took the battle. And that with the mighty Peyton Manning putting up less than 5 points. I watched the Denver game and it was craaazy. No offensive touchdowns for both teams. WR's all sucked in this game. A note to the General, Dez Bryant got injured and will be gone for at least a month, is what I read today. Big shoes to fill.

Marcy (107) destroyed the Farnsworths (55)

Huge start to the season for Marcy with her big guns Rogers and Brown killing it (although about 10 of 19 points for Brown came in junk time: lucky!). The Farn's will be scratching his head wondering wtf happened - a pile of stinking low scores. Opening day jitters for everyone? A note to the Farn's, you don't have to drop players, you can swap them for Available players. Your bench currently has three empty spots, so you can just head to the Available Player list and Add three guys without swapping at all.

Breesus (113) def Agent P (96)

TE's getting it on

Breesus' two RBs put up 28 points to only 15 from Agent P and the Dolphins Def sunk the boots in with 15 points to Agent P's 5. The most interesting feature of this game were the TEs, both teams TE's scored big. That's right, Agent P's Tight End scored big with Breesus Tight End. Bam!

BB (119) def Zim (87)

A great start to the year for Tom Brady and the Patriots in the seasoner opener worked for and against Zim. A nice 27 points to the QB, but also 27 points to BB's TE who caught 3 of Brady's TD's. After that not much happened for Zim with big-draftees Lynch and Graham both stuttering. For BB, though, a week to remember. Romo, Ingram, Jones and, of course, The Gronk(tm) all rockin' it. I watched Julio Jones play, he was a beast and looked awesome on the field.

Lighties (??) somethingsomething Doof (??)

Not sure what happened with this game as the scores appear corrupted. I assume it has something to do with the Illuminator's new source of power, or whatever you call a magical bolo-tie. For now the system is reporting the Illuminator's as the winner, but that makes no sense whatsoever. I have sent a fax to the League Office to query the result and eagerly await the updated scores. In the meantime, I'm going back to watching Breesus and Agent P's TE's workin' it.

Weishaupt’s Conspiratorial Corner

The secret thoughts brought forth from Adam’s brain to your screen.

Yes we’re back, and the season opener was a blast.  When will Doof learn it’s not how famous your players are, it’s how good they are…..

There was some talk in the lead up to the game about the bola-tie wearing Rivers, derisive talk.  But what Doof failed to realise was this was the ancient Mesopotamian Bola-Tie of Power.  I spent this year’s off season in the Tigris–Euphrates river system and with my colleagues from the Ingolstadt University Archaeology Department.  Translating cuneiform is no easy task, but we found the directions to an ancient Amphitheatre in modern day Turkey, this we now know was the home ground of Ur FC the oldest known Football team in the world (but as it’s not in the U S of A it’s that inferior Football with the round ball that people kick with their feet …) and champions for 108 consecutive years. 

Extensive digs were undertaken and finally we found the club rooms, there in the trophy cabinet with the numerous Mesopotamia League Cups we found it … the mystical amulet worn by each captain until the league was disbanded.

Shrouded in secrecy we brought it home and gave it to Rivers, it’s nice to see that Doof noticed it but failed to notice it’s significance (some mad scientist he is).

That’s right with Rivers and his ancient Bola-Tie of power we cannot be defeated.

That’s it Doof better get the I’mAReallyBigLoserInator out.

Week 1: Let's play some ball

The offseason is finally over, the court cases are settled (for now), the draft is done, the players are ready and so are we. This is Week 1 fantasy football, one of the most exciting weekends of the year, the first weekend of NFL wooooooooo!

Endless (119) v US Forces (118)

The number one draft pick, Mr Bell, waits on the US Force's bench this week and next, serving a 2-game suspension for 'illicit substances'. Interesting that the Forces also drafted another toker, Bryant, the military's standards are slipping? Or is the military just a closer reflection on society than the NFL? Scary. Endless is packing a clean team, with few cleaner than Mr Football Russell Wilson.

Farnsworths (114) v Marcy (124)

The Farn's made a quick change this morning, swapping out the injured LaFell for the undrafted Fitzgerald. Smooth move! The Farns still have a spare Bench spot following the immediate dropping of two kickers after the Draft. Suck it Kickers, no one likes you! Looking at Marcy's line-up there is a lot to like this year. No Cam or Eli to start with! Instead we start with Aa Rodgers.

Breesus (119) v Agent P (104)

Second best QB, IMO, starts this week for Agent P, but opens against one of the toughest defenses in the League. A good test? Good to see Mr Brees starting for Breesus - synergy and all that. Love the three QBs on Agent P's list, one wonders what Agent Mongoose, Agent Ps Assistant HC, thought about those drafting choices.

Zim (101) v BB (115)

Tom Brady and The Gronk start on opposing teams this week which may be awkward for these Coaches when it comes to watching today's game. Zim is also rockin' a toker, Blount sits out one week for his sins. My prediction: BB plays the QB Carousel this year with both Romo and Big Ben in the line-up. I'll trade you a Nick Foles for a Ben Roethlisberger.

Doof (113) v Lighties (119)

The classic match-up to start the season. These two Original Clubs dislike each other very much and both will be looking to start off strong. My two Mock Draft's did nothing to assist in the Live Draft, the panic still set in and I couldn't overlook my favourite player, Mr Calvin Johnson. But with both Stafford and Megatron am I set up to fail? Thankfully this week the Lighties are going with, *mocking chuckle* Phil Rivers. Sure, start the QB that wears a bolo-tie *snigger*.

And there we have it, Week 1's match-ups. Good luck to everyone that isn't the Lighties.

And before I go, a reminder of simpler times. If you look closely in the glare behind Agent P I'm sure you can see the aholy spirit of Breesus.

Live Draft - after party

At the conclusion of today's inaugural Live Draft the over-excited revellers took to the streets, celebrating their pre-season wins. Police were called at several locations as Head Coaches flipped cars, burnt down a McDonalds and called the head of whoever thought Bryan Adams was a good fit for an AFL Grand Final.
-News Limited, 07/09/2015

Ok, maybe the rag that printed the above got a little carried away. I'm not sure anyone took the streets, unless you mean office-cubicles. The rest is probably true. Especially the Grand Final bit.

Thanks to all coaches for today - it was an ace lunch and ace Live Draft. Sorry that Breesus was separated by a couple hundred kilometres, but I think we all felt his aholy spirit with us.

For my own draft experience, this year I was determined to draft RBs in the first two rounds, following the traditional draft style. But by the time my 8th pick in Round One rolled around the top-tier RBs were snatched up and I was looking at Calvin Johnston, he was looking at me... it was destiny. Come Round 2 and I had the same decision I had in the Mock Draft: LeSean McCoy or DeMarco Murrary. Murray it was, with a lot of trepidation. And so it went.

The NFL.com Draft Rank system seems unimpressed, scoring me a B, estimated 6-8 record. Seems I have some work to do.

There were some technical glitches, Zim lost a pick, the Forces lost a pair of picks, Agent P's finger didn't fing and she drafted an Eli. It wasn't until late in the Draft I found I could a) pause it and b) undo the previous pick. I used the Pause twice to assist the Lighties as they lost connection to the app. I'm sorry I didn't use this earlier to assist those other affected by the glitches. Live and learn and next year I'll be ready.

Things I Loved:
Having the Live Draft! Totally great time draftin', lunchin' and lol'in.
Having ownership of my own B-rated team.
Funny draft choices: Farnsworth's with 3 Kickers that lasted all of 5 minutes before 2 of them hit Waivers. Lighties picking Cam Newton - sucker! Agent P picking Eli - sucker!

How did everyone else go?

Draft results:
http://fantasy.nfl.com/league/1233112/draftresults

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