Zim’s motivational draft mix

From the desk of ZIM...

Greetings Earthikins,

It’s time for Zim’s yearly pep talk to the peeps giving you the low down on how to select your preferences for the draft.  You might be asking why I didn’t do this last year, or the year before that, or ever.  You might say that undermines my use of the word yearly and perhaps a word like 'inaugural' or 'only' would be more apt. Attention to detail like that is what will doom the most important part of your draft.  You might say, but Zim, you don’t know which players are any good.  You’d be right.  But I know, in my gut, who sucks and that is what matters.   I also know how to inspire that venom for you, and it is with that in mind, I’ve compiled Zim’s only inaugural yearly pep talk draft play list [cue electric guitars of a Mötley Crüe Dr Feelgood standard – oh yeah, I just went there].  Let's get our guts ready for the cut.

1. The first thing to keep in mind when you are making your draft preferences isn’t who to put on your ‘draft’ list, but it is who to put on your boycott list.  The list that says, there is no place for you on my team.  If you think I’m wrong, just reflect on last year while you cue up Machine Head – Aesthetics of Hate (link helpfully provides constructive lyrics - use as instructions).

2. Now, reflect on those awesome looking players that promised the world and delivered a piling heap of dung on your lap, week in week out.  Now, remember that moment when you benched their sorry ass and what did they do?  They scored like a million points.  Yeah that’s right – they outscored your team and everyone elses on their own, but only for that game.  This is what Zak was talking about in Rage Against the Machine’s – How I could just kill a man.  It wasn’t a commentary on institutional racism and abuse of power.  It was about a footballer not performing until he’s on your fantasy bench – this stuff is real. This behaviour explains that song (again link provides the lyrics - prove me wrong people).

3. Next, think of the team or players who should be sent to stinking LA so they shut the hell up about sucking so bad and wanting the world and a new stadium for sucking so bad.  For this, you’ll need the Axel Foley theme.  This is also the music you should have on when considering any player from Detroit.

4. You’ll have that player that didn’t perform well last year but is promising big this year.  I want you to grab your Trash CD (we obviously all have a copy); only Alice Cooper’s Why Trust You sums that cut player better.  If he tries to rile you, throw Poison’s Your Mama Don’t Dance* on and he’ll shut the hell up and go back to LA (recall point 3).  You might be wondering if putting two tracks in a single point is legal, I say to you, your daddy don't rock n' roll**. BAM!

5. Finally, you’ll have one player you just can’t get mad at.  You will have your song for him. 

6. In conclusion, stick to the above and you can reward yourself with Cinderella's Nobody's Fool.  

As for Jordy Nelson, only E Lucevan Le Stelle*** will suffice now [sniff] (song summary: the stars were shining... and now I die despairing)   We love you Jordy.  Get better soon.  And a call out to all those who have fallen - damn you ACLs.  DAMN YOU.

I AM ZIM

*Lyrics not required as you all know them.  Obviously.

**You really should have seen that coming.

***Your favourite operatic soloist will do fine.  Hint: they will never have, ever, been part of the above mentioned bands or anything even remotely similar.  They also will not be part of Alvin and the Chipmunks.