Week 12: Wash-up... not really

No proper Wash-up column today because it's my wedding anniversary and I'm taking the week off to relax and celebrate.

I'll post the Award column tomorrow or so, it will be late. Sorry to Marcy who already knows she has won the Hypno - didn't I hear about that on Monday and Tuesday! I've no idea who claims the MA yet, I'm still working through the Week 12 games and haven't broken down the fantasy results yet.

This week there are 3 games on Friday, Thanksgiving Day, so make sure your teams are set nice and early.

If anyone would like to write a Wash-up for me, feel free.

Week 12: Match-ups

Posting early this week because I won't be at work tomorrow and who has the time outside of work?

Endless (109) v Breesus (133)

Huge projected score for Breesus on the backs of Brees, Murray and... Gordon? Playing his first game of the year after suspension is Gordon really worth 20 points? I'm sure that any gap will be made up by the Packers D with a miserly 7 point projection. Against the Vikes? I still think Endless has a great team on paper, but the TE should be replaced if possible as Allen is injured. I've been playing Mike Wallace in Madden 15 on Xbox One and I wish the Dolphins would use him the same way I do - so fast, great hands.

Lighties (116) v Zim (130)

The Gardener Award is up for grabs if the Illuminators can pull off a big win and cut Zim down to size. Peyton against Miami is an interesting match-up with the Dolphins D considered one of the best D's going around. Crabs, Donnell and Gore were solid last week for the Lighties and will need to repeat that. Zim, well, still the best team on paper. Ingram, Lynch, Nelson and Tate, Gronk and Maclin. Someone hand me a towel to clean up the drool! Love to see Smith have a big day out.

The General (95) v BB (104)

The Forces need to stop their 4-game losing streak and will be hoping Luck doubles down against the craptacular Jaguars. Likely, I'd suggest, the Colts need to bounce back after the Patriots destroyed them and the Jags are the perfect rebound opposition. Forte and Morris are two ace RB's on struggling teams, as are Fitzy and Johnson. Well, not Fitzy's team, so much as Fitzy just having an off season in an ace team. Clear? The General needs to add Fleener to the active line-up, good TE pick up for the week as Fleener has been playing well. BB is starting Romo against the Giants, great match-up. Evans was the top-scoring WR last week, if I'm not mistaken, and this week plays the relatively hapless Bears. BB's kicker is on a bye and will need to be replaced. Julius Thomas was injured in the Broncos loss last week as is listed as day-to-day.

Marcy (107) v Agent P (115)

The Vampire Queen is looking for some love from Tannehill this week with Newton on a bye. The bottom four starters need monster games, lets face it: Lacey, Graham, Parkey and the Eagles all need to fire and fire hard. (Fire hard? Why not, superlatives ftw!). Agent P is on a 3-game losing streak, very strange for the be-hatted platypus. On paper, Agent P is like Breesus or Zim, a team of solid performers, but in game it's more like Endless, who knows from week to week? Rivers, McFadden, McCoy, Jones, Thomas and Hilton: all ticks against their names. Where's the love? This season they have been so... chaotic. Like most of the NFL I suppose, but that is no comfort to anyone.

Doof (122) v Heartbreakers (93)

Danger game for the Playinator's, rolling on a 4-game winning streak and this week facing their most sinister, evil, torturous nemesis: the Farnsworth's Heartbreakers. Remember a few games ago when the Brown's were rolling and then they played the Jaguars and got beat down in a game they should have won easily. That's this game this week. A win for the Heartbreakers gives them the Gardener Award and snaps an 8-game losing streak. A win to the Playinator's, apart from being universally just and fair and obvious ordained and sanctified by the gods, continues the Road to the Championship (tm) and will make me very happy. I'm afraid.

Farnsworth's heart:MRI sent from his doctor to the Head Coach via email and stolen from his email account. Allegedly.
This is what happens when corporate email accounts are stored offshore and outside Victoria's information privacy protection; shit gets stolen and published and noone can stop me MWUAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Week 11: Award Ceremony

Activation: The Gardener

*cue smoke, curtains raising*

That's right coaches, The Gardener Award has been activated for Week 12. 

In this League The Gardener is awarded to a team that defeats a team with a 4+ game winning streak

In fact, there are TWO teams sitting on four-game winning streaks: Zim's Doomydooms and Doof's Playinators. 

In Week 12, the Lighties will play Zim and if they can pull out Zim's winning streak like a weed they will take equal second place and take home the Gardener.

And it is all on the Farn's, or Heartbreakers as many know him, to cut Doof down to size. Will it be the long-term game stealing Heartbreaker who stops the Run to the Championship(tm)? 

Hypnotoad Award 

For scoring way more than any other coach

The Hypnotoad Award is named for the Hypnotoad, renowned for mesmerising his enemies and compelling them to do his bidding. 

Breesus!
For posting 112 points, you take home the Hypnotoad Award.

The most outstanding player on the team this week was the Packers Defense who piled up 30 points. Next best, my favourite rookie, Kelvin Benjamin with 16.

Breesus King of the Drews has won a crapload of games this year with solid performances from most players - it's about time he took the Toad for a spin.

Mission Accomplished

For leaving the most points on the bench in a losing side

The Mission Accomplished Award is named for the 2003 speech given by George W Bush announcing that the Iraq war was basically over and then sitting back and waiting for the kudos to come in. Instead of kudos, 11 years and now ISIS. 

It's Endless this week, a crazy 76 points on the bench, versus a starting team with only 68. And against Doof who posted 69. Yep, Endless's bench won the day and the award. The big player on the bench was Le'Veon bell who ran for 200 yards and 1 TD: 28 points. 

Week 11: Wash-up

Well, that was a crazy week of football. The Saints got hit hard, the Falcons are on the top of the AFC South standings with only 4 wins, the Packers and Patriots had massive wins over good teams, the Texans new QB threw his first TD pass to a defensive back (JJ WATT FTW!), the Manning Bronco's lost to St Louis, the Eli Giants nearly beat the 49ers despite throwing 4 interceptions and Adrian Peterson has finally been suspended for the rest of the season for child abuse (recommended reading).

JJ Watt on a back-shoulder fade
This is a defender!

And that all translated into some weird stuff in VP3 football. After watching Seattle and Philly get monstered on Monday I was sure, sure!, that both Zim and I were well and truly cooked this week. Open up Fantasy at about 11pm Monday night and WTF? Both wins?! How does that happen?

Lighties (95) def Farnsworth (59)

I called it, the Lighties needed players not called Peyton Manning to step up and they did. Peyton had a terrible game, 15 points!, but Brown, Donnell, Crabs and the 49ers def all put up decent numbers and got the job done. And this email thread happened:
-------------------
Lighties to Farns and Doof:
"I forgot to mention ...."

Farns:
"I blame J Cameron that slacker."

Doof:
If only someone had had the goodness of heart to alert you to the fact that Cameron was likely out with concussion...

"The Farn's will need to change the TE (injured) and Kicker (bye) position to be in with a chance,"

-Dan, 14 November 2014

Farns:
*sheepishly walks away from PC*
--------------------------

BAM!

Breesus (112) def US Forces (78)

The King of the Drews is back to his winning ways, easily dispatching the General who has taken a pounding the last 4 weeks, dropping 4 in a row and slumping to outright 8th. An almost typical team from Breesus, good numbers all the way down the list until the Defence: 30 points. From the Packers? Damn! But look at the Forces, Luck only 19 points, Ball 0 because he was injured, Reed, Fitz and Johnson all basically nothing.

Zim (92) def Marcy (89)

Gronk happy dance

The Doomydooms were well down on their previous average but, like Breesus, had just enough players put up good games to scrape by. Look at the QB - 4, Ingram - 9, Tate - 4. Instead, Lynch 12 in a poor game from him, Nelson, Gronk, Maclin and the Bills. Gettin the job done. Marcy picked her least worst quarterback for Week 11, which was a good reversal of fortune, and that QB scored nearly 5 times the points of Zim's QB! But Cam, Lacey, Jeffrey and Randle weren't enough to cover the rest of the slackers, including a -3 from the defence. Ouch!

Gronk taking the defence with him

Bradylessbrothers (74) def Agent P (59)

Weird, weird, weird game this one. Roethlisberger v Rivers in a snooze fest. Two on-fire QBs that in the past two games have barely walked it in, more like crawled it in. Mike Evans had a monster game for BB with 31 points, but that was 20 points higher than the next best player. On either team! Jordan Matthews and the Cardinals Defence again did quite well, on Agent P's bench, for the second week in a row.

Doof (69) def Endless (68)

Another weird game here. Thank the frozen gods of the north for Aaron Rodgers who had an awesome game Sunday afternoon and covered my sorry team. Endless's Charles was not quite good enough to take the points and so the Road to the Championship (tm) continues. I took two lessons from this game:
1) never get fantasy advice from Zim
2) never start a Patriots Running Back. Let me explain.

1) The Zim factor:
Zim and I spent a little while on Friday night working through my team, for some unknown reason. Her suggestions were entirely solid, in theory:
Why start Marshall? DJax has the better match-up. Stupid.
Why leave Vereen on the bench? His match against the Colts is genius. Stupid!

Both good points, and the casual insults really drove the points home. Change, change. Gametime: OMG STOP THROWING TO MARSHALL YOU STUPID CUTLER! OMG THROW TO JACKSON YOU STUPID RG3! OMG, STOP PLAYING GREY, BELICHECK, PLAY VEREEN, WHY DO YOU ALL HATE ME????

2) The Patriots RB curse:
There is a well known truism in NFL Fantasy that the head coach of the New England patriots, Bill Belicheck, hates fantasy football coaches and will go out of his way to screw them over. Case in point, Patriots @ Colts. Vereen, the starting RB, is ready for a big game against the Colts that have been giving it up. *Start Vereen* What happens? Friggin' Belicheck starts Jonas Grey in his 3rd ever game and Grey runs for 201 yards and 4, count em FOUR, touchdowns. 40 points. WTF? #200ShadesOfGrey was seen on twitter. From no one to instant franchise record holder. And Vereen? A piddling 7.7 points

You want to know why Grey was able to post 40 points? Because I started Vereen. Mr Grey, you're welcome.

Week 11: Match-ups

Love this weekend's games: Patriots v Colts, Seahawks v Chiefs, Eagles v Packers and Cardinals v Lions. We also get Peyton v the Rams and Roethlisberger v the Titans and Brees v the Browns. So much football!

Farnsworth's (97) v Lighties (116)

Big intra-office battle for bragging and sledging rights. The Farn's are on a seven game losing streak and reside on the bottom of the standings, while the Lighties look to keep their place in the top-4. The Farn's will need to change the TE (injured) and Kicker (bye) position to be in with a chance, while the Lighties will be hoping that the rest of the team behind Peyton shows up this week as they make their run to the play-offs. Peyton (vs Rams) over Brady (vs Colts) is the current match-up. I think I'd be doing that too, and then waiting for the inevitable 7TDs from Brady to come and ruin the party, fickle Fantasy Gods (I hope that happens! Go Pats!).

Breesus (115) v Forces (119)

The General needs his star QB to have a big day back after the bye to end a three-game losing streak and take down the champ. Additionally, Johnson and Fitzgerald need to seriously improve their trending performances, and Ball needs a successful return from injury. Breesus, meanwhile, sits on a strong two-TE line-up, headlined, as usual, by Drew Brees, and supported by Matthews, Mason, Benjamin, Gates and Olsen. But, with two players each from San Diego and Carolina places a large reliance on those teams QBs to throw well, something neither Rivers or Newton have done in recent weeks. Are the cracks showing?

Zim (129) v Marcy (104)

Big projected win to Zim, with a projected score lower than the average of her last three games. Zim has a diverse team with only two players coming from the same team, her TE and Kicker, which are mostly independent scorers of each other. A rush to capture the second-string QB's, Zim took both Hoyer and Sanchez in free agency this week, leaving both on the bench and Smith to start. The Vampire Queen looks to have Newton as her starting QB, but with only Tannehill and Eli to choose from maybe that is the right way to go?

BB (116) v Agent P (124)

An unusual two-game losing streak for Agent P, she needs strong performances from Rivers and McCoy - two players that have been quiet their last two games. But the secret agent has a small projected lead, even with the starting Kicker on a bye. For BB, time for Roethlisberger to return to his previous week's MO and put up big numbers in Monday Night Football against the average Titans. Foster against the Browns is a great match-up, as is LaFell v Colts and Thomas v Rams.

Doof (113) v Endless (96)

Another one of those warped realities where I will be hoping that Endless's QB has a good game and throws a lot of TDs to my WR. Receiving TDs > throwing TDs, so hopefully Stafford doesn't throw to anyone else! Endless's RB corp is probably second to Zim's, with Charles and Ellington. Mike Wallace sitting in the Flex spot is a gun ready to fire -  but can Tannehill pull the trigger? My flex spot is wide-open: Sanu, DJax or Bryant? Or even Vereen - but can you trust Bellicheck to give Vereen the ball?

Week 10: Award Ceremony

Hypnotoad Award 

For scoring way more than any other coach

The Hypnotoad Award is named for the Hypnotoad, renowned for mesmerising his enemies and compelling them to do his bidding. 

And the award goes to... ZIM. Again. This is the third week in a row Zim has posted the most points (and the fourth for the season), coinciding perfectly with her three-game winning streak: 128, 144 and now 136. Zim also has scored the most points on the season, 1,076, nearly 60 points above Breesus and 250 points more than last placed Farnsworth's. Zim certainly is on a roll.

Mission Accomplished

For leaving the most points on the bench in a losing side

The Mission Accomplished Award is named for the 2003 speech given by George W Bush announcing that the Iraq war was basically over and then sitting back and waiting for the kudos to come in. Instead of kudos, 11 years and now ISIS. 

This weeks Mission Accomplished award goes to... Agent P! For the first time this season Agent P lost the game and left the most points on the bench, 60 of them. And that was to only 3 players, two of which were 25 points each. And none of those were a QB. Tough going!But really, only the hard done by leave the Wednesday Award Ceremony with the MA tucked mournfully under their arm.

Peace, Out: Agent P.

Week 10: Wash-up

Week 10 is in the books and I think we all know how Zim did from her previous post. 40 points to Lynch will give you the World Conquering feeling I suppose. I highly recommend watching Lynch's highlights package, he is just amazing to watch, the way he bulldozes over defences, like a bulldozer bulldozering over defensive rubble. Check it.

Endless (125) def The General (59)

Huge win to Endless this week, with Dez Bryant leading the way (27). Four other players over 15 and no one under 10, except for the TE who was on a bye. Solid performances all round, not relying on any one player to stand up; copying Zim's recent teams and the way Breesus has played 'em all year. It makes The General's loss look worse than it otherwise might: no players over 13 and the QB was woeful. In his game Cutler was even worse than 7, he threw a couple of late TDs when the game was well and truly over to boost his stats, and those of a few other players. The Bears were down 42-0 at half time and lost 55-14. They have now lost two-games in a row by over 50 points. The first time that has happened to any NFL since 1923. I sense a coaching change on the near horizon.

Marcy (101) def Farnsworth's (40)

Mammoth win for Marcy that snaps her losing streak and more importantly moves her off the bottom of the standings. The Vampire Queen gave Newton another shot which I suspect will be his last. Another awful performance from him, salvaged, like Cutler, with some TDs in garbage time. Not that Tannehill or Eli did any better, so maybe Newton gets another run? Jimmy Graham and Eddie Lacy were both good performers, but look at that defence, Eagles 31 points. Remember, that was against Newton. Like the General, nothing went right for the Farnsworth who sink to last place. Flacco was miserable in a good win, rookie WR sensation Watkins failed, two players didn't score because of injury.

Breesus (112) def Agent P (70)

The King of the Drews is back in the winners circle and totally ensconced on the top of the standing with a good performance from his starters. No real stand-out players, just good scores from enough to get the job done. Brees (18), Murray (13), Cobb (11), baby-Benjamin (19)... etc. Crazy scores on the other side, with Agent P dropping her second in a row. Kaepernick won the game for the 49ers, against Drew Brees, but his stats are horrible, 12 points. Blergh! We need Rivers back... oh wait, that -2. Ugh! Agent P must be ruing the 60 points left on the bench, 25 to Matthews who had a great receiving day from Sanchez (loved seeing Sanch play well), and a whopping 25 points from the Cardinals defence. By my calculation replacing the three benchers with the three worst replacement starters and Agent P wins by a point.

Zim (136) def Bradylessbrothers (81)

How fickle is this game? The last two games Big Ben Roethlisberger throws 12 TDs and posts a crapload of fantasy points against good teams. Week 10 he plays the awful Jets and puts up a miserly 13 points in an awful loss. WTF? Meanwhile the injured Romo goes to London and racks up 21 points. Two injured players for BB did not help his chances, but it would have taken a minor miracle to beat out Zim this week. Six players over 10, including a 40, 27 and only 13 from the QB. And next week she gets the Gronk and Gostkowski back from their bye. Love the team. Zim moves into outright second place with the Lighties and Agent P both losing.

Doof (125) def Illuminators (87)

In three years the Mighty Doof's Playinators have an 8-2 records against the Lighties. Thought that was worth mentioning now, rather than in the Preview. Five players over 10 points, including 36 thanks to Aaron Rodgers having another day out against the Bears (6TDs to half time and then benched not long into the 3rd quarter). Great to see my man Megatron back from injury and putting up a few points. For the Lighties, Peyton again performed, 29 points and then benched for the 4th quarter with the game in the bag. Robinson ran well for the Jags, and the Lighties, but again not good production from the rest of the starters. With a better loss than Agent P, the Illuminators move into 3rd place and the Road to the Championship (tm) continues for Doof, clawing into 7th place.

Zim "Lynch"s the opponents...

A smug humble message from your supreme overlord the always sincere, Zim

A humble portrait of Zim

There are not many words required to describe this weeks games... except for

BEAST MODE!

Oh Lynchy, you are a bad beast, aren't you?

Week 10: mid-weekend college madness

While we wait for this weeks games to finish and the scores to come in, take a gander at this play from College football over the weekend:

http://youtu.be/c6zmumATaAM

Week 10: Match-ups

It's nearly game time for the Browns @ Bengals Thursday Night Football clash. This is the first time these two teams have squared off in a meaningful game in 25 years or so. Strange for Divisional rivals. For so long these teams have been wastelands, but this year both teams have the chance of winning the Division and need the W to get there. As you all know, there are 8 Divisions with 4 teams each and the top team from each Division goes to the play offs. Another four teams with the best records also go to the play offs, but it is hard to have a 'best record' if you lose to your Divisional rivals. You must beat your Divisional rivals if you want a shot.

US Forces (81) v Endless (98)

The General has dropped the last two games and will need the W to stay in the race. Endless has the same win-loss ratio but is high off a win against Agent P and has the projected advantage. Both teams are sporting a certain 0, Endless needs a new TE to replace her bye'd player, while the General may want to hedge his bets and swap Ball out who may/may not be returning from injury. Endless may want to move Wallace out of the Flex spot into the WR spot, dropping Cooks and put Bell into the flex spot. No immediate options for The General who's bench is full of bye's. Certainly no MA Award coming his way this week.

Marcy (110) v Farnsworths (86)

The Vampire Queen has Tannehill in the starting QB spot at the moment, but will he still be there Monday morning or will she capitulate and play Newton again? Newton has the better match-up (Eagles, Detroit for Tannehill) but Cam has been so poor lately, versus Tannehill who has been hot. The QB carousel sucks. The Farn's has two players that probably won't be suiting up: Doug Martin will most likely miss, and Jordan Cameron is out. Heading to free agency for a new RB and TE is highly recommended.

Agent P (121) v Breesus (111)

Both teams are coming off surprising losses last week and will both be out for blood. Agent P has the early projected lead with Kaep at QB, McCoy and Jones looking lively, and Thomas playing against the hapless Raiders defence. You think Peyton will be looking for revenge against the Raiders for last weeks loss to the Patriots? The big questions for Breesus again are: will Brees put up a 20+ score, and can the Cowboys feed Murray? With two Panthers Benjamin and Olsen also starting, Breesus is heavily reliant on Cam Newton having a good day out at the Eagles.

Bradylessbrothers (75) v Zim (121)

The opposite of the previous game, both teams put up great scores last week for big wins. BB's Roethlisberger versus the Jets is almost as dreamy as Peyton versus the Raiders. BB is in trouble at the RB position with both RBs unlikely to take the field. Trading TE Vernon Davis to Endless for Sproles may be a good option. Endless is also sitting on West and Bell, but Bell should be a starter and West's game starts in 90 minutes. For Zim, well, on paper she has the strongest team except for the QB. Smith is a great RL-QB but typically doesn't post great fantasy stats, but he is unlikely to roll a -2 - swings and round-abouts. His 10-14 guaranteed points, added to the rest of her roster, will probably see another Hypno going her way. Anyone else read her team differently?

Doof (106) v Illuminators (115)

Terrible Towel

Peyton versus Raiders, Brown v Jets: love the two match-ups - wish they were happening to someone else. I can relate to Breesus' dilemma, I need my two Bear's starters, Marshall and Bennett, to put up a load of points, but can Cutler deliver them the ball against Green Bay? I nearly started the GB defence, too, before realising I would be cheering for two Bears receivers and the defence trying to stop them. A terrible situation to be in. Enter: Steelers. Also love that Steelers D versus Ravens D. I will be waving my Terrible Towel in the Lighties face all day.

Week 10: Planning

Another six teams on byes this week, including the Colts, Texans, Patriots, Chargers and 'Skins (Vikings, too, but meh). With so many stars out on the bye it has been a scramble securing players to cover for them. We aren't all like the Lighties that can cover Brady with Peyton. Fifteen player changes so far, and no doubt more on the way. How do your starters fare according to the experts?

Start em or Sit em: QBs

Start em or Sit em: RBs

Start em or Sit em: WRs

Start em or Sit em: TEs

Start em or Sit em: Ks

Start em or Sit em: DEFs

Sleepers

Ruminations

One of the big stories to come out of last weeks games was the replacement of Eagles QB Nick Foles with Mark Sanchez. You will, of course, remember Sanchez for one of the most inglorious plays of all time: the Buttfumble

This happened on Thankgiving Day, the biggest football day of the year, in prime time. Poor Sanchez, he played out the rest of the 2012 season and then sat out the 2013 season because of a broken heart shoulder. Earlier this year the NY Jets traded him to the Eagles. Sanchez played four years with the Jets, two good ones and two bad ones. I watched him quite closely, and saw him play live in NYC. The media was all over him and he got a really bad rap, but I blame the coaches and support personnel more than I blame Sanch. Under pressure, in hurry-up mode he was sharp, fast and good. Make him wait in the pocket for ever with no good blockers and, surprise, he gets sacked, throws an interception or runs into his own players butt. I always thought Sanch would be good in a system that promoted his skills and downplayed his suckiness. You know, like you would expect a coach to do if he wanted to actually win. But for many coaches, getting the most out of the QB is not the priority, the priority is making sure the QB does as he is told, irrespective the bad demands that are made.

Good news for Sanch, he looks real good for the Eagles. The media are on his side and talking him up and he gets to start for the Eagles with Foles out for 6-8 weeks. 

But despite what I just said about him, I'm not as hot for him as the media is. He played well in pre-season and he played well enough in last weeks game. But you will remember, Marcy in particular, the raps that Kirk Cousins got earlier in the season. His first throw in a game this year was for a TD, but he got progressively worse. So many back-up QBs start strong and die real quickly; seems the media forgets this.

I hope Sanch is different. I like him, I like his attitude and I think the Jets really screwed him over. I'll be cheering for him, but I don't have faith in him. Yet.

Another interesting QB is Eli Manning. Eli, Peyton's younger brother, has led the NY Giants for 11 or 12 years and won two Superbowls. Two. That's one more than Peyton who is the NFL-Overlord. Eli is more successful! This year the Giants brought in a new coordinator, a new offensive system, new playbook. You'd think coming into the Giants with a two-time SB champion QB you'd match your team to Eli. No. Eli has been forced to learn, from scratch, all these new things, including a new throwing stance! How is that working out? Really really badly. Maybe Eli can get it together, but it doesn't look like it.

Let's contrast Eli with Peyton. Coming off neck surgery where Peyton couldn't even hold a football, he eventually had his pick of teams in 2012. Everyone wanted to hire Peyton. He picked the Broncos. Did the Broncos make Peyton learn a new system, stand differently? No. They tailor built the offensive system around Peyton, gave him a lot of control and authority. How did that work out? Really well. 

Lesson?

Some QBs need to brought along. You can't take a rookie and let him do what he wants. But you also can't ignore the strengths and weaknesses, the talents, of your players. If you want a QB to succeed, and teams surely want that, then they need to build the team around the QB. Pick the right one to start with, give him weapons, give him support. Andrew Luck seems to have that in Indy, and he is flourishing there. Wilson in Seattle. Kaepernick, to a degree, in SF. Most other QBs in their rookie contract? Pretty poor. Pretty damn poor coaching.

I wonder if that can be applied to a corporate setting? Imagine, if you dare, a corporate area with two teams of people. One is small, but manages its activities, money and systems really well. So well, in fact, it has no major issues for years and users actually like the helpdesk staff(!). The other team is bloated, vomits money and everyone hates them. If you're a manager, which team should you be modelling if you want success? Tip, it aint the second team. And you certainly shouldn't be making the first team work the same as the second. 

Finally, our NBA teams -looking real fancy, playing not so great:

Celtics: 1-3

Timberwolves: 2-2

Hornets: 2-3

Week 9: The Gardener

I am pleased to present The Gardener Award to Zim, may you wear or display it with pride.

Week 9: Award Ceremony

ZIM BEATS BREESUS, CLAIMS THE GARDENER AWARD

The Gardener Award has long been considered the ultimate award for sporting prowess in Australia. It is awarded only in special circumstances, when a sportsperson from any background takes down an overachiever. That's right, it celebrates the little guy. It all started with that epic struggle of David v Goliath and ever since we Aussies have cheered when the superstar gets taken down a peg. Inevitably the tall poppy will be trimmed to size.

In this League The Gardener is awarded to a team that defeats a team with a 4+ game winning streak.

In the third instance this week of, no one expected this, Zim had a massive game against Breesus, stopping his winning streak at 8 and giving him his first loss of the season. Eight straight. A gargantuan effort, and it took a herculean game* by Zim's Doomydooms to topple the leader. Zim, of course, has already responded to the win, look two blog posts down. We thank her for taking the time.

It started Friday, three of Breesus' players contributed around 23 points, including QB Drew Brees. In the same game, Zim's RB gashed for 23. The rout continued Monday as Breesus's players stayed at home, probably confused over the change to daylight savings; meanwhile Zim's players, mostly, played well. Vinatieri, the 42 year old kicker, did his best for the team and mounted a stoic comeback. But 16 of the 90 needed didn't quite cut it.

For beating Breesus, King of the Drews, who was on an eight game winning streak, Zim's Dommydooms is award The Gardener Award.

<Award picture forthcoming, but just imagine it being here: Hello Kitty in a garden in a pretty green ribbon. And just think how long it took me to put that together, fighting with the graphics program, intent on creating something special for you peeps. Imagine that, right here. You're welcome.>

*Running out of superlatives, I should be a cricket commentator

Hypnotoad Award 

For scoring way more than any other coach

The Hypnotoad Award is named for the Hypnotoad, renowned for mesmerising his enemies and compelling them to do his bidding. 

We know all about Zim and her amazing week out, she takes the Hypno for 144 points, 37 points more than BB, the next highest.

Mission Accomplished

For leaving the most points on the bench in a losing side

The Mission Accomplished Award is named for the 2003 speech given by George W Bush announcing that the Iraq war was basically over and then sitting back and waiting for the kudos to come in. Instead of kudos, 11 years and now ISIS. 

Marcy takes the MA award this week. She adroitly drafted Ryan Tannehill to replace Cam Newton but then forgot to swap them. Ouch! 55 points left on the bench. 

Week 9: Wash-up

Well that was a crazy week of football: Miami beat the Chargers 37-0; Steelers destroyed the Ravens and Big Ben threw 6 TDs for the second week in a row (first time that has ever happened); Saints and Panthers showed neither team wanted to win the game; Cowboys are trying to slide to 8-8; the Giants will be looking for a new Head Coach in January, as will the Jets. And the big Patriots v Broncos game didn't go as planned either with the Patriots wiping the floor with the Broncos and Brady having a day out. These all had implications for the Von Peeps:

Lighties (100) def Marcy (83)

Winner

We didn't get the alternative-universe Brady v Eli game this week, instead we got Brady v Newton, which was a beat-down. Lighties Head Coach made the right, tough call replacing Peyton with Brady and enjoyed the extra 6 points that gave. Marcy left Cam as the starter instead of Tannehill and rued the decision all weekend. Tannehill went ape on the flailing Chargers with an impressive 28 points. (Remember that for when we get to Agent P and also US Forces.) Still, Tannehill instead of Cam still leaves Marcy 0.4 points behind the Lighties. The Lighties are looking good in equal 2nd place on 6-3 and 2 games on the trot.

Endless (96) def Agent P (76)

For the first time this week: no one saw this coming! How did Agent P do so badly, let's just look down the list... WTF? Phil Rivers: -2.18. Minus 2 points for a QB? Rivers was taken off the field at the bottom of the 3rd quarter, "injured", so for 45 game minutes he could only manage -2 points. Wow! Remember when I bucked the trend and said no way Rivers is MVP, Chargers are ready to tank. Did I call it right? Or am I calling my own call too early? If I'm right now we'll return to this in a few weeks time. If Rivers turned it around we'll never revisit this conversation again. Back to the game, if Rivers plays properly then this is a close game, both the rest of Agent P's team, and Endless's squad, put up decent numbers. And if Endless remembered to change Kickers then she's over 100 and looking real solid: good coaching all round This one is all on Rivers and his traitorous ways. (Note to Endless: don't change Kickers for this week as Crosby is back from the bye.)

Bradylessbrothers (107) def Farnsworths (93)

Winner

BB replaced Romo (injured) with Roethlisberger this week and will be glad for it: 6TDs, 340 yards, 0 interceptions: 35 points. Big Ben is on fire, and the Steelers are looking good for the first time in a while. Both coaches started an injured RB, balancing each other out, and the Farnsworth's suffered a game-time injury to his TE. Just like Rivers in the previous match-up, this one was all about Big Ben doing his thing. Unlike Rivers, Big Ben's "thing" results in the W for BB.

ZIM (144) def Breesus (66)

Conqueror

For the second time: no one saw this coming! 144 points for the Doomydooms verses 66 for the league leader. Incredible. It started badly for Breesus on Friday when 3 players put up a combined 21 points, versus Zim's 23 points to her RB. Look at those scores, three players over 20 (Lynch, Ingram, Maclin [with Sanchez throwing him the ball no less]) and another three over 10 points. Zim pulled Nick Foles from QB and started the solid-RL-poor-fantasy-QB Smith, Foles fell heavily in the Eagles game and broke his collar bone. Ring-in WR's Williams and Fitzgerald did little, but it didnt matter. No-one for Breesus did anything. Even Drew Brees, against a lacklustre Panthers D, couldnt do better than 18 points. His Kicker and Defence tried, but it was for nought. I feel sorry mostly for Murray who has been having A SEASON, but with the injury to Romo the Cowboys all but imploded with Wheedon under centre and he could manage only 9 points. Breesus slumps heavily to remain in first place with an 8-1 record and is still 2 games clear of Zim, the Lighties and Agent P, all with 6-3 records.

Doof (80) def The General (69)

Praise and glory

Oh dear dark football gods, I thank thee for thou love of screwing with poor fantasy head coaches, and this week turning your attention to The General. The Miami Defence that allowed no points for a total of 22 points looks so amazing on The General's bench, therefore not contributing to his points and allowing me to steal a win. This, of course, in addition to the Kickers 0 because the Chargers scored a big fat 0 against the Miami D. Fantasy irony at its best. Not that you made it easy, with my QB sucking so hard against the Raiders D, my TE barely doing better than the Farn's who had concussion, and my entire RB corps. You, dark gods, gave my heart a stir with Luck's performance on Monday Night Football, but I thank thee for thou dark humour and dedicate my W to you.
PS. Run to the Championship (tm) continues baby!

A message from the Doomydoom talent scout

From the desk of ZIM

As you'll be aware, I recruited a new talent scout to replace the Skesis, Chamberlain, to manage byes and injuries.  That man, Ron, has anchored the team to success like Michael J Fox hitching a ride from a hover car while on a haphazardly, borrowed hover-skateboard.   Most of the success is clearly due to me.  Why?  Because I AM ZIM.  But Ron has done some nice stuff too.

Due to the results of this weekend’s football, the Doomydoom talent scout has fronted to a hostile press to make a statement.

Look, some are saying that we had a good week this week and that is true.  In response to that, I'd like to make a few notes and thank-yous.  Obviously, I want to thank Zim for being Zim.  That is important.

In the most patronising way possible, I’d like to thank Drew “fabreeze” Brees for making Ingram smell great.  Like, 30 points great.  Like sex panther good – stings the nostrils, doesn’t it Breezy? This is despite the three or so attempts by King Breesus to "trade" for Ingram - hint to the King - if you want me to agree to a trade, you'll need to offer up someone delicious.  Like DeMarco Murray delicious.  Notwithstanding this, good game, Drew.

The QB call was an easier one than usual.  It was Foles v Texans or Smith v Jetts.  The former meant going against JJ Watt, which seemed to me to be the equivalent of getting dental work via one’s rectum.  Obviously, walking off the ground in the first quarter suggests there was some pretty awkward reaching for the Foles-ter which vindicated my call. Alternatively, I had the option to pit Smith v (snicker) the Jett’s “defence” (snicker).  So, you know how I hate dentists.  Particularly, rectal ones.

I’d also like to say a big “I told you so” to the nay-sayers within the squad.  When I recruited Fitzy due to the sudden withdrawal of Jennings, I said to the team,

“Guys, look, if you lot can get say 50 points between you, Fitzy will get like 1,000 yards and totally get us a score around 150.”

I look at the score today and say, I told you asshats this would happen.  I called it.  Now, it is apparent to some that it was more of a team effort than that and that Fitzy was short by about 930 yards on my prediction.  However, without the Fitzperation and Drew’s really nice, floral-scented passing to Ingram, we would not have made it.  

You're welcome, Doomydooms.

In summary, Go Team*  

Stay classy, Von-Peeps.

*Note there is no I in team, unless you spell it in the sexy, European way.