BREESUS KING OF THE DREWS: WORLD CHAMPIONS

BREESUS KING OF THE DREWS ARE THE 2013 VPIII NFL WORLD CHAMPIONS

In the Championship Game between Breesus and the US Forces, the King of the Drews jumped out to an early lead and never looked threatened. Decker and Lacey did what they did all season, put up numbers. Meanwhile, the star-fueled Forces could not keep up. Maybe it was the monster win in the semi-final? Maybe it was stage fright? Or maybe Breesus was just too good on the day.

Heading into Monday Night Football, the General needed his defense to put up 30 points to steal the Game. That was always going to be difficult, but with the 49ers playing their final game at Candlestick Park anything was possible. Except this. They managed 11 points and Breesus celebrated in style. 

When asked what he was going to do next, the Head Coach replied, "I'm going to Disneyland, wooooooo!" He then ran out of the press conference wooping and hollering like a loon that has just been crowned World Champion.

The Head Coach of the US Forces, at his press conference, was half scowl and half pout and confirmed what he all thought: "We're going to start over, the military industrial state does not accept failure and we will own all yo' asses next season." Rumour is the US Forces board for next year will include Dick Cheney and leader of the Decepticons, Megatron (not to be confused with Calvin 'Megatron' Johnson, who is a good guy). 

In other matches over the weekend, Doofenshmirtz defeated Agent P for control of the entire tri-state area. Zim came from behind to defeat the Illuminators. And Endlessnessism defeated the Farnsworths, whose epithet seems only to apply to me. Grr!

The Final Countdown*

Twas the night before the Championship Game, when all through the League not a trade offer was blowing, not even for Megatron.

The teams are set, the coaches ready. There are mere hours until kick-off. The stage is well and truly set for a momentous game.

My booky advises that some large bets were placed on both teams in the last 24 hours, the largest being $500,000 on The General at 4-1. But my taxi driver said this morning that he has been hearing big things coming out of Breesus camp, especially on Drew Brees, QB. Apparently he is fired up and ready to go.

Good luck to both coaches!


*Admit it, you now have The Final Countdown in your head. And the Arrested Development fans are also seeing visions of Gobe dancing around. You're welcome.

Championship Game: Match-up

Fourteen regular season games are done, the semi's are done and it has all led to this week: the Championship Game.

Breesus King of the Drews (120) v US Forces (135)

Breesus finished top of the table, had an eight-game winning streak and defeated the game favourite Agent P in the semi-final. No one doubts that Breesus has earned the right to play for the Championship. Led by QB Drew Brees and rookie RB Eddie Lacey this is a solid team and that put up solid points all season. The late season risk of playing three Broncos in the semi nearly tripped Breesus up, but his other players were able to rally. The wily coach has learned his lesson and will start only two Broncos in the Championship game, distributing the risk of another Manning meltdown. Waiver-wire pickup Michael Crabtree is a good sleeper to have in the backpocket, maybe replacing Edelman who against the Ravens is a risky starter.

The General also had a fine season, finishing in second place with an impressive 10-4 record. The General had a blowout victory in his semi-final, posting the season's highest score of 177 and winning by a lazy 73 points. With a team full of super-stars the General has had some big wins, and also some narrow wins, such is the risk of superstars. The Forces have placed their faith in QB Russel Wilson, who is not typically a big-points sort of guy, but he rarely lets you down. Charles and Bush are probably the best 1-2 RB combo you can have, as are Jackson and Bryant at WR. These four players are in the top-5 players of their positions, and all four truly toasted Doof last week with a combined 120 or so. The General's soft-spot is at TE, Bennett should provide solid support this week.

The last time these two teams met, back in Week 10, the Forces ended Breesus 8-game streak in a 98-76 smackdown. In their first matchup, all the way back in Week 2, the Forces also dealt some serious pain with a 105-69 win. Of Breesus three losses on the season, two came from the General. The General has the mental advantage, but Breesus King of the Drews is looking for atonement (religious joke!).

Breesus will be finished on Monday afternoon and possibly have a nervous 24-wait as the General's defense does not take the field until Tuesday lunchtime, in the final game the 49er will play at Candlestick park. The 49ers move to a new $1.2bn stadium next season and so will be looking for a monster game for farewell their beloved stadium.

Other games:

In the fight for third place, and in a battle for the entire tri-state area, Agent P and Doof's Playinators face off. This game would have been massive had it been for the Championship, as both Agent P and Dr Doofinschmirtz are real-life nemeses. The challenge for third place is less important, but the game will still be big for both coaches, with significant bragging rights up for stake. Also, I will be printing and mailing this column to the coach of Agent P as in the country her internet access is 'flaky'. *snigger* *taunt*

For fifth place, it is the Illuminators vs Zim. It should be formally noted the Lighties had a big win over the Farnsworth's last week, their third victory over the heartbreakers for the season.

For seventh place, Farnsworths v Endlessnessism. Again, little but bragging right up for stake, but them;s pretty important.

Semi Finals: Washup*

Congratulations to the two winners of the Semi Finals: Breesus King of the Drews and US Forces.

These two teams will now face off in the Championship Game and compete for the coveted Pepperstein Trophy (it looks remarkably like the Lombardi Trophy, but without all the fancy metal and financial value).

These winners mean that the two losers runners-up are Agent P and Doof's Playinators. These two will face off for third place this weekend.

Breesus won in a fairly close affair against Agent P - 114-99.

When Agent P needed her two killer wide-receivers to come out and play they both put up modest numbers, 13 and 12, and Mendenhall posted the highest score in the team, 19. Jimmy Graham continued his poor performances of recent weeks and Woodhead had a surprisingly poor game. The killer is Tony Romo, posting sub-20 for the QB slot. Historically Romo is a good player in October, a monster in November and a total loss in December, with a 25% win ratio. Agent P's backup QB also did nothing, so she started the right loser. Adrian Petersen sitting out was tough.

Breesus must have been fairly panicked Friday afternoon, with his three Broncos players putting up 15 points between them in Thursday Night Football. But big games to Lacey, the Chiefs D, Edelman, and a decent game to Brees overshadowed the Broncos failings. Lacey's performance is probably the most significant: 23 points. This in a game where the Packers were down 26-3 at half-time, but stormed back to win 37-36, and really put the boot into the Cowboys. Lacey was instrumental in the Packers recovery and in securing a win over Agent P.

The General and his US Forces blitzkrieged all over Doof's Playinators: 177-104.

I'm so sick of seeing Bradley Tanks
storming across my front yard.
Enough already!

You read that right, a buck seventy seven. The biggest score of the season was posted by The General. Doof did not go quietly, putting up 104 points, enough to beat Agent P and all other teams this week, but who can resist such an onslaught? The General started his romp in Paris, enjoyed a night in Berlin, sacked Warsaw (naturally) and celebrated the domination by camping outside the gates of Moscow, feeling like a Boss.

Can The General of the US Forces be the first military commander in history to take Moscow? Or will Breesus King of the Drews and current mayor of Moscow (for the sake of my story) resist and once again defeat a European invader? Did The General pack enough warm clothes and boots? How is his baggage train?

How do you put up 177 points and conquer Europe? You start with Jamaal Charles, 51 points from 5 touchdowns and 190 yards receiving. BAM! Add 195 yards and a TD to DeSean Jackson. 153 yards and a TD to Beastly Dez Bryant. Four players, over 100 points. It's as simple as that.

I said last week it was a showdown between the high-flying super-stars of the Forces versus the every-day men of the Playinator's. For possibly the first time in history the team of stars has won, and won big. But did they peak a week early?

I watched the start of the Chiefs game. On the very first play Alex Smith dumped a short pass off to Jamaal Charles who ran for 50 yards and a TD. What felt like two plays later they ran the same play for a 40 yard TD. The Chiefs ended up with 56 points on the day, the most posted by an NFL team this year. 11-3 win-loss for the season after 2-14 last year. Amazing.

In other games, the Lighties beat down the Farnsworths and Zim stood up against Endless. It was interesting to hear Zim's kicker, Justin Tucker, speak after his game on Monday night. He kicked 6 field goals, the entirety of the Ravens score, including a monster 61 yarder to win the game. When interviewed, he said he did it for all the Fantasy Owners who started him in their teams. Awwww, so sweet! Well, Zim thinks so, his 22 points gave her the win!

*Liquid used for washing up this week: my tears.

Semi Finals

The Semi Finals are upon us, well, four of us. But before I get to this weeks match-ups, there is some unfinished business from Week 14.

Some scores have been updated and now Zim's Doomydooms are the winner in their match-up against the Doof's! So rather than losing by 0.08 points, Zim now won by 0.32 points!

This reverses Doof's climb into second place, Doof now finishes in third spot, and The General is in second.

Ok, on to the semi's:

[1] Breesus King of the Drews (131) v [4] Agent P (126)

Both teams had good wins, both teams have been winning all season. The projection is similar, the starters are similar. Anyone of the starters on both sides could tear open the game - Brees v Romo. Jeffery and Gordon for Agent P v Decker and Thomas. The Chiefs v the Panthers on Defense. And Agent P still has Adrian Petersen is reserve!

Breesus may have won the regular season and may have the edge in projection, but against the high scoring Agent P he feels like the under-dog. No doubt Agent P feels she is the under-dog.

Currently neither team has a player in the Monday night game, so by 2pm or so Monday afternoon we should have our first Championship contender.

[2] The General's US Forces (127) v [3] Doof's Playinators (125)

Two teams coming off very close losses last week which could easily have been wins, and in Doof's case, was a win for a few days before being overturned. Amusingly, its Wilson v Kaepernick in quarterback spot, two arch rivals in the NFL. On paper, The General has the big play makers: Charles, Bryant, Bush and Jackson. Doof has... well no one of that caliber. Murray has been solid for a couple of weeks, and Allen is playing well in his rookie season. Gore has been a disappointment for most of the season, and Pitta is starting his 2nd game of the season, replacing the injured Gronkowski who blew his ACL last week.

On paper, The General has the advantage, in practice, often consistency trumps big play makers. It's the NFL and its Fantasy - anything can happen.

Both sides have players in the Monday night game, so we won't know who goes to the Championship until around 2pm Tuesday. It's going to be a long weekend for The General and Dr Doofenschmirtz.

There are two other games this weekend:
Endless (85) v Zim (105)
Lighties (128) v Farnsworth (119)

The Maidens and Wooli are done for the season.

Week 14: Wash-up

My fellow coaches, Week 14 will go down as a wild weekend, both in this league and the NFL. Close games, blow-outs, massive points, thrills, disappointments - it had everything.

There was 852 points scored in the NFL this week, the most in any week ever. This despite the temperatures being below zero in many games. Monday Night Football was in Chicago, it was 7oF with a Feels Like temperature of -7oF. 7oF = -13oC. Brrr! In Philly on Sunday afternoon the ground had up to 6 inches of snow in places. And yet, the Bears put up over 40 points in Chicago and Philly over 30. Huge efforts.

As usual the NFL has done a graet job in putting a photo essay together, highlighting some of the crazy weather. Check it out.

Speaking of huge effort: Endlessnessism put up nearly 150 points, and still sported a donut. IF ONLY Forte had started her score would be over 170. As it stands, 148 is the second highest of the season, just behind Agent P who broke the 150 mark. Needless, this game was a blowout, Wooli managing only 88. Although, 88 would have beaten both The General and the Lighties, so it's a respectable score. But not against 148. And to further point out, Endless's QB, McCown, put up 39 points, the most for the week, in -13o weather. Her RB, McCoy, 35 points in 6 inches of snow.

This blowout was matched by two insanely close games:
The Lighties beat The General by 0.7 points. Zero point seven. The General had two inactive starters, either could have won the game. The loss means The General falls to third place overall and will face off against second place Doof in the Semi-final.

If you thought 0.7 was close, Doof beat Zim by 0.08 points. Zero point zero eight. As Agent P said, how does even happen? And for Zim, happen twice? It's her second loss by less than 0.1 points. You look through the list of player stats and wonder, if only... if only Bobby Rainey had not scored -4 receiving yards. If only the TE had scored at all. If only Tony Gonzalez had started at TE. If only... The win to Doof and the loss to The General puts Doof in second place overall for the season.

The remaining two games were more traditional. Agent P had a solid win against the Farnsworths, with nothing particularly startling going on there. Agent P's win guaranteed fourth position and she will face off against the top ranked team in the semi-final. The Farnsworth's were unable to bring the heartbreak, despite Peyton Manning again putting on a clinic.

Finally, a huge congratulations to Breesus King of the Drews for winning the final game of the regular season and finishing in top spot. Some excellent numbers from the Maidens made the game look close, but its almost impossible to win when you have two inactive starters, the Maidens number one problem all season. Breesus, led again by his namesake, takes the game and the regular season.

This brings to a close the regular season.

In Week 15 the playoffs begin for the top 4 teams: Breesus King of the Drews, Doof's Playinators, US Forces and Agent P. For the remaining six teams there are two weeks of consolation games, so the season is not over for those still enjoying the weekly challenge. And there is the playoffs challenge coming up in January, too.

For those checking out now, or checked out some weeks ago, thank you for playing. I hope you enjoyed the sport, the challenge, the wins and losses, and if you're reading this, I hope you enjoyed reading the blog.

For those continuing on, including the four play-off contenders: the last two weeks will be fun!

Award Ceremony

Regular Season Champion

Breesus King of the Drews - 11 wins, 3 losses including an 8-game winning streak, and 1,400 points on the season..

Highest Scoring Team for the Regular Season

Agent P posted 1,500.3 points this season, nearly 100 more than The General and Breesus, and nearly 500 more points than the Maidens who finished last.

Hypnotoad Award

The Hypno goes to Endless for a massive 148 points.

Mission Accomplished Award

The Farnsworths take the MA Award for leaving 67 points on the bench and losing.

Black Flag Award

Congratulations to Endless for beating the projection by 32 points.

Most Satisfying Player Award

Endless sweeps the awards and take the Most Satisfying Player for starting Josh McCown, who scored the highest points for the week.

Week 14: Match-ups

My fellow coaches, this is Week 14, the final week of the regular season. After this week the top four teams will go on to the playoffs - as it stands now this will be The General, Breesus, Doof and Agent P. It is possible that the Lighties can take Agent P's spot but I think it is unlikely. For everyone else, this will be your last week of Fantasy Football for 2013.

I have invited you all to play the Playoff Challenge, this is a slightly modified game where you pick the player you think will do the best in each position, and everyone can pick any player. There is no player ownership. As it is the playoffs there is a smaller player-pool to select from. If a player you start wins and you play him in the following week he will get a multiplier. That is, you, and 3 others, start Megatron in your WR slot for Playoff Week 1. The Lions win and you decide to start Megatron in Week 2. His points are doubled. In Week 3 they are tripled, and quadrupled in the Super Bowl. The game starts on December 29 - I hope to see you all there.

Agent P (121) v Farnsworths (115)

A win to Agent P seals the deal and she is through to the play-offs. A horrifying loss and a monumental win to the Lighties and anything is possible. Both coaches have good starting teams, demonstrated with big wins last week. The projection is close, the teams are close, and close enough with score a playoff berth. For the Farnsworths a loss here would typical his season of ups and downs, never enough momentum to get going. A monster win will typify his epithet of Heartbreaker.

The General (121) v Lighties (141)

It's sudden death for the Lighties, a win keeps it close, a loss and they are done and dusted for the year. A large projected victory should give them some hope, but The General has been punishing his enemies for weeks now, is on a 4-game winning streak and is looking to finish atop the table and take home the Minor Premiership.

Maidens (66) v Breesus (121)

Also looking for a big win to finish in first or second place is Breesus, who finishes off the regular season with what should be a comfortable game at home against the Maidens. The Maidens have been a coach in absentia for much of this season, and Breesus will be hoping for that trend to continue into the final round. It won't make much difference in this game, but for his beloved Drew Brees, Breesus will be hoping that he can put up big numbers against the Panthers if the Saints want to compete in January.

Wooli (92) v Endless (116)

Endless will be looking to end the season on a high note and post two wins in a row against Wooli this week. It has not been a kind season to either team who have both inhabited the lower regions of the table. Both teams are fielding a decent squad on paper, unfortunately it is too late to count for the playoffs, but bragging rights are always good.

Doof (118) v Zim (115)

A roaring start to the season looked positive for Zim, as did her amazing on-paper team. But her gun players failed whenever they were started, and the quarterback roller coaster has only just stopped. Doof's 8-game winning streak ended last week against Breesus, a loss here and a win to Agent P could see Doof slip into 4th place, but cannot be over-taken by the Lighties.

Week 13: Wash-up

Life is never dull in the fantasy leagues. Full of joy, surprises, frustration, intense anger... but it's never dull.

Let's start with Agent P's score for the weekend. 156 points. Are you kidding me? A buck fiddy sx. And while her QB and TE both had pretty poor games by their standards. Take Alshon Jeffrey and Josh Gordon, throw in a little Adrian Petersen and you have 3 players with over 200 yards on the day. That's two 200 games for Gordon in a row, the first time in NFL history. Sprinkle into that the Panthers defense, I think Romo and Jimmy Graham can have the weekend off. That was seriously some Lights Out football. In the tussle for fourth place, Agent P staked her claim.

That scoreline casts a long shadow, which is unfortunate as The General continued his winning way in style with a 120-85 win over Wooli. That is now four wins in a row and keeps him in top spot. The General's QB put on a show in Monday Night Football, humbling the Saints and QB Drew Brees. In the QB match-up, Wooli's QB continued his run with 27 points and the Panthers have won 8 games straight.

The Farnsworth's bounced back and beat down Zim. Her QB situation has been getting better, if only the TE spot was sorted out. A last minute change to Walker instead of ongoing pain-in-the-ass Gonzalez did not help (to which I take some blame for pointing out Gonzalez may not play on the weekend. Sorry). The Farnsworth's were led again by Peyton Manning who threw another 5 TDs and 400 yards in a game. We'll get to the main recipient of those TDs and yards soon, if my heart can stand the strain. Manning is over 40 TDs for the season, beating his previous record and the Broncos record, and has 4 games left to beat the all time leader, Tom Brady, who has 51 or something like that.

Endless finally stopped her run of L's by beating back the Maidens in a low scoring affair. McCown did well in the QB spot, supported by Forte and McCoy. Good to see a pair of running backs get some decent numbers. The Maidens were let down by everyone except the Seahawks defense, the Legion of Boom really owned the Saints. Surprisingly, QB Luck has had a few bad games, he'll need to improve as the Colts look to the post-season.

Finally, Breesus won. Or whatever. I don't know. His QB sucked, which was great!, but a certain WR called Eric Decker caught 4 TDs for nearly 200 yards from Manning. Boooooo! 41 points, boooooo! Also, Green Bay Packers, what the shit? Flynn, negative points. Boykin, 0. Boooo! The Packers had something like 60 yards total at three-quarter time against the Lions. I am now officially on the Lions bandwagon and am riding them in the postseason. I can't wait for my Calvin Johnson jersey to arrive.

And yeah, Breesus claims the prestigious The Gardener Award for totally cheating trampling over Doof.

Award Ceremony

The Gardener

Breesus trampled all over Doof this week, ending an eight game run. Led by Eric Decker with 41 points and... well that was it, it was all Decker. In fairness, the Manning-Decker combo was pretty amazing to watch. The gamble in starting Decker played off big time, while Doofs' gamble of starting Flynn and Boykin led to massive failures. I blame the Farnsworths. Faaaaarnsworth's *shake fist*.

Hypnotoad Award

Agent P claims ANOTHER Hypno with a huge 156 points.

Mission Accomplished Award

Week 13 MA goes to Zim with 66 points on the bench. Her spare QBs both did well, but all three QBs put up about the same so it didnt really matter who she started.

Black Flag Award

Agent P scores another, this time for beating the projection by 50 points. Wow!

Most Satisfying Player

Breesus, for Decker's 41 points, or whatever. Booo

Agent D, the duck with a truckload of luck

Thank you for your help Good Luck Duck (aka Agent D). Agent P brought the pain, and the lighties ran from their shadows! Farnsworths are on notice....

Agent D cuts an inspiring figure.

Week 13: Match-ups - Thanksgiving edition

An early match-ups post this week, for two reasons:

1. This week is Thanksgiving and as is traditional there are three games on Thanksgiving, which is Thursday in the US, and Friday locally. There is the traditional Thursday night game, but Thanksgiving has games all day, so the first game will start around 5am Friday morning. So make sure you check your line-ups today in preparation for tomorrows games.
2. Ordinarily I write the match-ups on Friday morning before the game. This week I will be at home watching the Thanksgiving games and celebrating Thanksgiving**: Watching > Writing.

Doof (92) v Breesus (104)

This week Breesus will try to steal my thunder and glory and take home The Gardener, and get a game up. I welcome the challenge, may the best team win.*

Farnsworths (98) v Zim (110)

Both teams are fairly evenly matched on paper, but both are quite reliant on their quarterback to put in a good effort. Too bad this match-up wasn't last week when the QBs faced off.

Endless (79) v Maidens (67)

After last weeks total destruction the Maiden's will need to make a couple of line-up changes to have a chance against Endless. Without that, Endless will end her 5 game losing streak.

Lighties (104) v Agent P [and Good Luck Duck] (105)

Look at that projection! Only 1 point separates these two heavy weights, both battling for a spot in the playoffs. Both even on wins-losses, a win here should seal a play-off berth, a loss... who knows?

The General (97) v Wooli (75)

Showing off his shiny hardware last week The General stamped his intention on this League: only a Superbowl trophy will suffice. Wooli can upset those plans with some minor alterations, but its hard coming up against the military industrial state. Just ask the Maidens. Just dont mention Alderaan.

*Oh mighty Fantasy Gods, see my humbleness towards my opponent this week and let me crush his worthless team beneath my awesome Playoffs-inator, for thou abhors arrogance and misdeeds, and honours the considerate. Remember, Old Ones, when Breesus King of Drews exalted himself above all other by winning 8 straight games and not losing to me last time - such conceit! 
**Thanking the Old Ones for my amazing, totally humble victory over Breesus

The light, it burns.

High on the now rare fumes of victory, Agent P clutches his good luck duck in preparation for another epic battle against the lighties.

Week 12: Wash-up

Photo of Doof looking at the scores Wednesday morning

I'm not going to confirm or deny how I spent the weekend watching my matchup against my nemesis, the evil Farnsworth's of Evil County where they only manufacture evil anti-Playinator products thats only objective is to destroy my innocent hopes and dreams [of taking over the entire tri-state area].

I'm not really going to comment on what I had planned if I lost. I'm not going to talk about the maniacal laughing and padded cell.

Because that would be unbecoming. Ahh screw it:

Farnsworth, Wednesday morning
after all that scheming failed

SUCK IT FARNSWORTHS!!!! YEAH!!! I WIN!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA









Zim's Doomydooms pulled off a good win against the Lighties, this time her QBs were on her side and either would have been good starters. The Lighties precious Bears Defense, so strong in 2012, continue their descent to sub-mediocrity, posting -2 points.

Breesus returned to his winning ways against a severely depleted Endless. Endless defense made the score look closer than it was, Endless posted four donuts. Not that Breesus did amazingly better, with 5 players posting 11 points between them. Breesus ran away thanks for Moreno running rampant against the Patriots on Sunday Night.

Maidens home field: RIP

In the most lopsided game of the year The General decided to take his new Death Star for a spin and destroyed the Maidens' home field on Alderaan. And also all of Alderaan. And the Maidens.

Finally, Agent P started strongly against Wooli and never looked like losing the game.

The NFL continued to have some amazing games, possibly none more in Week 12 than the Broncos at Patriots. The Patriots somehow ended up 21 points down in the first quarter after some bizarre play, and were down 24-0 at half time. The wind was 20mph and the temperature something like 20oF. Brrrrr. And then in the second half the Patriots came from nowhere to end the fourth quarter at 31-31. Tom Brady was amazing and the Broncos had some terrible luck. In over time the Patriots scored a field goal, putting them 34-31 - the biggest comeback of Tom Brady's career. Amazing game.

Award Ceremony

Hypnotoad Award

Agent P scores the Hypnotoad this week, posting 125 points against Wooli.

Mission Accomplished Award

I most happily give the Mission Accomplished award to the Farnsworth's this week for leaving 40 points on the bench and (thankfully) losing to (hahahaha) the Doofs (hahahahahahahahahahahahaha).

Black Flag Award

The Black Flag is again awarded to Wooli for beating the projection, this time by 5 points!

Most Satisfying Player Award

The Most Satisfying Player award goes to Agent P for starting Josh Gordon who posted the weeks highest score.

NFL 2020 and AFL 2020 pondering

The NFL is crystal-ball gazing with what the League may look like in 2020. They have put a series of videos together highlighting different aspects of the possible futures. There are six videos so far with more on the way.

http://www.nfl.com/qs/2020/week-1.jsp

A couple of things I found interesting in the two videos I watched so far (Weeks 1 and 6):
-they are looking at expanding the experience at live games by having smaller stadiums, and including standing room for cheaper tickets, while heated seats with power connections for premium seats.
-wireless technology, hd video and more and more data is a huge consideration. Do you want to know what the heart beat of a particular player is? How about how fast they are running? Real time fantasy stats FTW!
-expanding the roles of positions from specific functions to broader functions. This seems quite contrary to the last 40 years of NFL where player positions have been heavily specialised. The trend of faster, fitter, leaner athletes is consistent, but a wide receiver-quarter back combo just seems too disjointed from the norm.
-the new stadium to be opened for the SF 49ers next year cost $1.2bn!

I wonder how some of these visions relate to our game: AFL.

The AFL has been talking about 'boutique stadiums' for a while, despite doing away with smaller stadiums in the 90s. The AFL, to me, wants this because hosting the Dees v Giants at the MCG is a lose-lose situation, financially, aesthetically (empty stands). Neither team has sufficient supporters. Throw them in a 25k capacity ground and the money looks better, the stands look better, it feels more like a suburban experience from decades ago. Maybe put in some mud-pits at full-forward too? Make it fun. Oh, sorry, the old-school AFL 'fans' (read: Age/HS/Australian reporters) dont want fun: the football itself it plenty sufficient. But is it? Is it sport or entertainment? What is entertainment in 2013? 2020? Is it sport + environment + stats + video + twitter + fantasy?

Would AFL fans like to see standing room back at the MCG? Maybe a long bar with standing room down the entire southern stand, the back filled with HD tv's showing the game, other games, stats, odds, etc? How about premium seats with USB connections?

Oops, I made a mistake in the last paragraph, you couldn't watch other games at the MCG because the AFL has taken a shotgun approach to games instead of bunching them together (Maybe they could show replays of other games). Which, as a segue, is exceptionally stupid as, I expect, most fans only care about one team, their team, and are not going to watch 8+ games over the weekend because they can/are on tv/foxtel.

Are AFL players becoming more position specialised? I would argue that they are. Just like other professional sports each position has a particular specification requirement. "You must be this tall to play at Half Forward", "You must be this much of a prima donna to play Full Forward [looking at you Jack!]". The AFL draft combine equivalents feature jumping and running tests and are becoming more 'Americanised', searching for the perfect combination of physical and emotional traits. Say goodbye to the future Dane Swan's of the world. Or maybe not. There are always the diamonds in the rough, the ones that can be taught how to behave like a human and not the beast they think they are at 17 years of age. But some just s[t]ink, no matter how hard you try (Fev).

My non-exhaustive list for the AFL for 2020*:
1) no more sponsorship, or reduced sponsorship, on players clothing - it looks stupid
2) NO sponsorship on coaches clothing - it looks REALLY stupid
3) transition from sport to entertainment
4) integrate fantasy sports and reduce gambling during broadcasts
5) move 1 or 2 teams out of Melbourne
6) retain top-8
7) mandate protective headwear at least through formal U17s with a view for introduction in the AFL by 2025/30
8) proper video review technology incorporating slow-motion and digital reconstruction
9) two more field umpires on the ground with a view for two more by 2030
10) one more goal umpire at each end
11) rule change that the ball crosses the plane of the start of line, the ball doesnt have to cross the entire line, when the ball passes out of the field of play. That is, at the goal-line, if any part of the ball breaks the vertical plane of the boundary then its a goal. Trying to determine if the entire ball crossed the line is too much.
12) player suspensions should be abolished for all but extreme penalties, the primary penalty should be monetary fines. I'm so tired of watching good players miss games for stupid on-field indiscretions. Fine them, let them play - entertain me. Don't punish me.

In summary: the game needs to transition from suburban sports game to a professional entertainment industry and put aside its regional, parochial perspective. It's taken strides in the last 10-15 years, but it is not close enough. It's not NRL, its the freakin' AFL and it should stand tall like EPL, NFL, NBA.

*Slow work day

Week 12: Match-ups

One of the biggest games of the year this week as the Denver Broncos travel to Boston to play the New England Patriots. For years Tom Brady and Peyton Manning have had probably the biggest rivalry in the NFL, two of the best QBs of all time, plenty of MVPs and Super Bowl's between them, but both staring down the end of their careers. The NFL posted an interesting comparison on the two QBs and their respective, completely different, roads to glory. A game to look forward to Sunday night/Monday night.

Closer to home:

Breesus (133) v Endlessnessism (55)

Breesus is looking to make amends for last weeks shock loss to The General and stay in the race for top spot. Endless meanwhile is three games into a losing streak and is looking to put a stop to that. Endless has three starters on bye's this week, two are immediately replaceable from the bench but she will need to grab a new WR from Free Agency.

Zim (93) v Lighties (107)

A shock loss to Woolibeans last weeks will see Zim looking for the power switch this week against the Lighties. The early projection gives the Lighties a slight edge but on paper the players look quite closely matched.

Maidens (58) v Forces (123)

A shock win for the Maidens against Agent P has put them in the winners circle, but its always hard when two starters are on byes. But the Maidens won the first time these two teams played so the confidence should be pretty high. The Forces are coming off their nuclear victory against Breesus and will be hoping for a big win to stay on top of the table.

Agent P (132) v Woolibeans (74)

A big projected gap between these two teams but as Wooli and the Maidens showed last week that does not always matter. Still, Agent P is sporting a strong lineup and should account for Wooli comfortably.

Doof (121) v Farnsworths (108)

Close on paper, the Farnsworth's have had the wood over the Doof's on the last two encounters, going back to the AFL Grand Final where Farnsworth's came from nowhere to win by less than 1% of the game score. It's clear that Doof still has not forgotten, or forgiven that game, nor the loss earlier in this season. The Doof's are out for blood, the Farnsworth's are looking to claim another heart. This will be a spiteful match-up. Which, I will point out, is entirely Farnsworth's fault!

Week 11: Wash up

The General celebrates a win at Breesus
home field.

Lookout, here comes The General and his US Forces!

It was a fairly close affair for most of the weekend but The General rallied late and walked away with the game against Breesus. None can deny it was a good struggle. But was this really necessary? Ok, you beat Breesus and ended a looong winning streak. Ok, you cut the King of the Drews down to size and take home The Gardener award. But did you need to leave a calling card like this to celebrate your victory?

Military might > Faith?

When The General swaps fireworks for nukes, I'd say so.

US Forces - now with The Gardener award.

Lynch, Johnson and RG3 led the way for a strong Lighties victory of the Farnsworth's. Manning had a quiet game, for him, and the Farnsworth's were unable to conjure up some heartbreak, despite valiant attempts by Harry Douglas and Joique Bell.

Two upsets completely upset Agent P and Zim's weekends, with the Maidens and Woolibeans posting unlikely wins.

Despite two starters not starting, Wooli saw Newton, Clay and the Bills post big scores. Unfortunately for Zim, apart from a good game from Nick Foles her starters were rather poor. Ray Rice finally got his act together and left 20 points on Zim's bench. What a jerk!

Similarly for the Maidens: Jackson, the Seahawks and Luck all posted good numbers, while Agent P was left holding on to nothing. Somewhat ironically, the Maidens two biggest scorers were both left on the bench making this game closer than it could have been.

Finally, the Doof's continued their winning ways and sent Endless to her fourth straight loss. The Bengals defense posted a whopping 25 points for Doof, while poor old Kai Forbath didn't get a chance to make a field goal for Endless, posting a big fat zero. Doof's winning streak grows to 7 and faces arch-nemesis and serial heartbreaker in Week 12.

Award Ceremony

The Gardener

Congratulations to The General's US Forces for doing every Australian proud and cutting down the tall poppy. Breesus King of the Drews won an amazing 8 straight games, and it took a lot to bring them down.

General, sir, I salute you.

But next time, stick with fireworks.

In addition to the award, The General also takes the top of the table on percentage, with Doof and Breesus sitting with equal wins.

Hypnotoad Award

Congratulations to the Illuminators for lighting the way with a stand-out 117 points. The Hypno is yours this week!

Mission Accomplished Award

Zims Doomydooms take home the Mission Accomplished award for Week 11 for leaving 58 points on the bench in a losing team.

Black Flag Award

The Black Flag is awarded to Wooli for beating the projection by 3 points!

Most Satisfying Player Award

The Most Satisfying Player Award goes to Endless for starting Lesean McCoy who topped the fantasy points in this league. McCoy was actually 4th for points, with Bobby Rainery, RB for the Buccaneers, scoring the most points. No one started Rainey as no one knows who he is. Next up come Roethlisberger and Megatron, both sitting quietly on the Maiden's bench.

Week 11: Match-ups

A big weekend in NFL as the top placed Kansas City Chiefs travel to second placed Denver Broncos for Sunday Night Football. The Chiefs won 2 games last year total, and this year sit at 9-0 (the biggest transformation in US professional sports history) and are coming off their bye week. The Broncos with Peyton Manning at QB have dropped just one game. This game was initially a 4pm start but the NFL changed it to prime time - everyone is poised, waiting for this. With the NFL's scheduling, these two teams play again only 2 weeks later. The Chiefs and Broncos are in the same Division and Divisional teams play each other twice. The NFL has started pushing divisional games into the later parts of the season to make the run to the play-offs more exciting. And it's working.

And a big weekend in VP3 Fantasy as The General faces the Saviour in a battle for top spot, Endless looks to cut Doof down to size, and the Lighties, Agent P and Zim make their run to the play offs.

Lighties (114) v Heartbreakers (119)

A close game on paper, both teams are filled with players from NFL teams looking to win big, and so have much to play for. None is bigger than the Heartbreakers QB Manning, who will need a big game to take down the Chiefs. The Lighties have a massive decision at QB spot, currently starting RGIII over Matthew Stafford. Tough call! Look, if you need some assistance I'll trade young-up-and-comer Boykin for one of them - but I'm cutting my own throat!

The General (153) v The Saviour of Mankind (112)

The General's troops will be look for the biggest scalp of all this week and are posting an intimidating projection leading into the game. But it's hard to bet against the Saviour and his QB. Another match-up full of exciting players from exciting teams.

Wooli (93) v Zim (108)

Zim is looking for a big win to take her to the playoffs while Wooli will be looking to reverse the downward trend. Zim has grown tired of carrying players and made some big calls, dropping Ray Rice and keeping Nick Foles at QB. Wooli has a pretty serious line-up and can swap a couple of non-starters to stay competitive.

Agent P (121) v Maidens (90)

Similar to the game above, Agent P sports a significant lead over the Maidens as the Maidens line-up in incomplete. Some bench-swaps and its game-on, without that the Platypus will run away with the game. Rivers, Petersen and Graham have been game killers for Agent P this season and it's hard to see that trend ceasing. I am, again, crying on the inside seeing Calvin Johnson benched for the Maidens. For the love of god, put him in your line-up, man!

Doof (151) v Endless (123)

Endless is looking to destroy Case Keenum's season this week by starting the young QB. Her RB corp is formidable with Forte and McCoy while Golden Tate was hot last week for the Seahawks. Doof's projection is ridiculous and the only certainty it provides is that I cannot possibly win the Black Flag award for beating the projection. Still, I'm reasonably happy with my line-up, provided Kaepernick at QB shows up, unlike last week. Replacing him with the traded RGIII or Stafford should provide more certainty (waiting for your email, Lighties).

Week 10: Wash-up

Week 10 is in the books, another week of stars failing and stars shining bright.

Last week I very kindly offered a trade with the Lighties - I would give up Colston and take Chris Johnson off an otherwise reasonable roster. And what did I get in return? Scorn. Well, if the Lighties head-coach, Adam Weishaupt, had been a little less Jerry Jones and a little more anyone-that-isnt-Jerry-Jones then the Lighties would have won this week. Instead Colston idled on the Doof's bench with 15 points and Johnson walked in 5. Did I mention I won? Against the Lighties? That's what they call Light's Out Football!

Mr Weishaupt, I accept your apology. And happily return to second spot on the ladder.

The Generals' troops returned to the winners podium with a solid win over Endless. The US Forces were led by Pierre Thomas, who really came from nowhere to put up 23 points. QB Wilson had a better than average day. Endless was again let down at QB position with Jake Locker suffering a season ending lisfranc injury and posting negative points. Endless's QB spot seems to be rather cursed, I'd hate to be whoever she puts in for Week 11!

I suggested last week that if Wooli can replace his injured starters then he is evenly matched with the Farnsworth's. That was proven true, the Farnsworth's won by 23 points, which a good WR and RB could have provided. In fact, the two WR's on Wooli's bench would have put up 34 points and guaranteed a win. Meanwhile, the Farnsworth's were pleased to see Peyton Manning back in action, putting up 27 points. Andre Johnson and Brandon Marshall again proved dominant at WR position.

Breesus King of the Drews retains top position and extends the super-impressive win streak to eight, finishing all over Agent P. The Saints v Cowboys game was just as eventful for these teams as it was the NFL, with Drew Brews leading the way, Tony Romo sucking and Jimmy Graham having a quiet night. For Agent P, it was good to see Adrian Petersen have a good game and post a decent score, and where are these Panthers coming from? 12 fantasy points and kept the 49ers to only 151 total offensive yards. Amazing stuff.

Zim's QB carousel reached a new drama this week as stand-in QB Nick Foles posted 22 points, and along with team-mate Riley Cooper's 20 points blasted the Doomydoom's to victory over the hapless Maidens. Once again, the rest of Zim's team is better left unmentioned as they will be spending another week on Blorch, home of the slaughtering rat people. The Maiden's, like Wooli, continue to be their own worst enemy. The one adjustment of Calvin Johnson for the suspended Blackmon would have won them the game.

Heading into Week 11, the two The Gardner Awards are still up for grabs. Endless can void Doof's happiness, while The General can unleash his arsenal against Breesus.

Award Ceremony

Hypnotoad Award

The General was able to marshall his troops after last weeks humiliation at the hands of... oh, it was the Doof's!!, and not only beat Endless, also top the points and take home the Hypnotoad Award with an impressive 106 points.

Mission Accomplished Award

The Mission Accomplished again goes to Woolibeans, who started some injured players and left 57 points on the bench.

Black Flag Award

No Black Flag award this week, no one was able to top their projections.

Most Satisfying Player Award

The Breesus's again takes this week's honours with the Most Satisfying Player, starting, again, his star player and ongoing name-thief, Drew Brees. Brees put up 31 points to be the highest rated player in Week 1.

Week 10: Match-ups

No bye-related issues this week for our Owners, but injuries are certainly taking their toll. Endless, the Maidens and Wooli will all need to check their roster to make sure their injured players have been replaced.

Week 10 gives us two top-of-the-table clashes, with Agent P looking to cut Breesus down size and end a whopping seven game winning streak. Also, The Lighties will be looking to end Doof's run with five wins and take home the coveted The Gardener award.

Endless (131) v The General's US Forces (163)

With two massive score projections this game looks like a lot of fun. The projections do need to be tempered, however, as Endless's QB will not be starting as he has a fractured collarbone, so take off 18 points. Her backup QB also won't be starting, so Endless will need to go to Free Agency for a starter. The General's troops, meanwhile, look great on paper. This will be a game to watch.

Farnsworth (104) v Woolibeans (76)

Two of the top QB's face off this week with Manning v Newton. If Wooli can replace the injured Doug Martin and Reggie Wayne then these teams are both quite evenly matched.

Breesus (129) v Agent P (120)

Two strong, evenly-matched teams, with Agent P looking to recover a top spot and Breesus trying to stay ahead of the pack. A side question: how the hell does Breesus have an extra bench spot labelled RES? Divine intervention? Secret knowledge? Cheating??

Zim (96) v Maidens (76)

A couple of line-up changes to Zim and the Doomydooms are sporting their strongest team for weeks. The Maiden's will need to replace their two injured/suspended players if they want to compete.

Doof (109) v Lighties [Troop Haters] (145)

The final game of the Week, Doof v the Lighties. The Lighties have a large projected lead but we've all seen the Lighties projected-actual differential in recent weeks, so it is not particularly intimidating. What is intimidating is Chris Johnson versus the Jaguars - that's a not a good match-up. I recommend trading Johnson immediately. Look, I'll do you a favour and take him off your hands - say, for Colston, and that's cutting me own throat!

An open letter to A.Weishaupt

Weishaupt... I'm coming to get you!

Week 9: Wash-up

Once again, I'd like to thank The General for his kinds words last week. As is typical, the hubris translated into a 3 point win for the Doof's, making it 5-games straight. Three points. BAM! You could almost say the Doof's pulled a Farnsworth's and laid down some Heartbreak.

Breesus also thanks you, he is now clear at the top of the standings.

Just last week I called Endless out for starting Vick over Rodgers, Vick went down injured for negative points while Rodgers scored big. I also referred to Dave Dameshek who had just labelled Rodgers a potential GOAT. After that, I worried all week for Rodgers, that sort of hero-worship does not please the gods. Rodgers went down injured in the first 3 minutes of the game this week, and will be sidelined for 3-4 weeks. SHAME Dave Dameshek, SHAME!

Woolibeans suffered the most serious mid-season-bye-shock of Week 9, managing only 35 points and losing to the Illuminators. The Lighties have had a remarkably good runs against bye-shocked teams of late. A poor performance to Jake Locker will make the Lighties glad to have Stafford back in Week 10, while Wooli's only shining light (pun!) was Cam Newton, who put up quite reasonable numbers.

Agent P returns to the winner circle with a route of Endless. As mentioned, Rodgers 1.2 points was the nail in the coffin for Endless, but Tate and Hankerson didn't help any. And neither did the Steelers defense that managed to have 55 points scored against them. Agent P was led by Tony Romo who defied critics and finished off a game, winning on the last drive of the game (I think, he came back from behind to win anyway). Adrien Peterson returned to good numbers and Jimmy Graham just keeps scoring hard.

The Farnsworth's were let down by Andy Dalton who had a woeful game, but saved by Andre Johnon's 40 point game. Branden Marshall had a beast of a game against the Packers too. The Maiden's couldnt keep up with Sproles and Jackson both sucking hard, while Blackmon is on the suspended list and probably won't return for the season. Luck and Bernard did their best to keep the Maiden's in the game, but the Farnsworth's just ran away with it.

Zim... her quarterbacks just have it in for her. Alex Smith had a miserable day while benched Tom Brady had a day out, putting up 33 points for her bench. The less said about her WRs and RBs the better. Breesus meanwhile continues his domination of this league, posting his 7th win in a row. Can anyone stop this guy? Name thief Drew Brees was reasonable, Eddie Lacy had a day out, the Chiefs defense scored 4-times what their QB did, Morris and Amendola... It's all on Agent P in Week 10 to cut Breesus down to size and show that a secret-agent platypus is stronger than the son of god. I'm a believer.

Without harping on Doof beating The General's US Forces (*harp harp harp*) I'll just point out that the Mighty Doof's did so while still posting a zero - Arian Foster suited up but did not play in Sunday nights game. Just sayin'... also glad to see The Gronk back in town for the Patriots after missing the first 7 weeks recovering from 4 wrist surgeries. The Forces were led by DeSean Jackson, again, and the Dolphin's defense.

Award Ceremony

Hypnotoad Award

This weeks Hypno returns to an old friend this week with Agent P returning to her dominating ways, winning with a score of 126 points.

Mission Accomplished Award

The Mission Accomplished goes to Woolibeans, who suffered a serious case of bye-shock, leaving a large 66 points on the bench. A shout-out to Endlessnessism who had a minuscule 4.9 points on the bench this week.

Black Flag Award

Agent P takes home the Black Flag Award for beating her projection by a hefty 28 points!

Most Satisfying Player Award

The Farnsworth's win the Most Satisfying Player for starting Andre Johnson who amassed a very handy 40 points and helped the Farnsworth's pwoer home against the Maidens. Almost makes up for a miserable performance by Andy Dalton. Of course, this weeks top scorer was Nick Foles who put up 45 points, throwing 7 touchdown passes, 400 yards and no interceptions. Obviously no one had Foles as he is a rookie and is only starting because Mike Vick is injured. With those numbers he might get another game. On a similar note, Andrew Johnson's 40 points came from 3 TD catches and over 200 yards, also being thrown from a rookie!

Movember (aka a very silly month)

The first of November typically brings out a bevy of clean shaven faces, so eager and innocent. And then after a week or so the 'stache sets in and by the end of November the razor is well and truly singing its Siren song.

I would like to welcome all our Team Owner's that are participating in Movember and making November a silly month to post their movember webpages to illicit donations. And I encourage donations to be made.

I am more than happy to post a url on your behalf, just email me the link.

With my high cheek bones, good looks and complete inability to grow facial hair I will not be participating, I instead will remain envious of those who can, especially the ones that can become full on beardo's.

And now, to honour those that can, some great 'staches from the NFL:

Week 8: Match-ups

Another week with six teams on a bye - if the past couple of weeks is anything to go by then some teams will struggle again. Not that fielding a full line-up provides any certainty of success, active players can still bring the suck.

Two teams this week are playing for The Gardener award - US Forces can cut Doof down to size, while Zim will be looking to hammer some nails into Breesus (too soon?).

Woolibeans [Isabel] (37) v Illuminators [Lighties] (115)

Currently the most skewed of all match-ups this week, Wooli has four active players that are looking at posting zero. The Lighties meanwhile have put up a very solid team that has fairly realistic projections. Wooli's bench is sporting enough players to fill the WR and RB gaps while a quick trip to Free Agency for a new kicker shouldnt take too long. A quick two-minute drill and Wooli will be back in contention.

Agent P (95) v Endlessnessism (73)

Agent P is looking to arrest a 3-game slide while Endless needs to make sure she doesn't get on the slide, having dropped one last week. Both teams look pretty good on paper, with Endless only behind on projection because she needs a new defense and QB. During the week Dave Dameshek called Aaron Rodgers the GOAT (Greatest of all Time), and there he is, waiting patiently on Endless's bench to be activated. A defense from free agency and the stats will be pretty even.

Grid Iron Maidens (83) v Farnsworths (88)

A close match up between two of the cellar dwellers. The Maidens can replace Blackmon with Jackson on the bench to complete the line-up and get in front on the projections. The Farnsworth's will be looking to Andy Dalton to open the week with a big game and break to 10 projected points, which seems very low to me.

Zim (56) v Breesus (93)

Looking to prune her second The Gardener award, Zim will need to manage her bye'd players and hope that her QB carousel can actually bring some love. Breesus, meanwhile, has set up a typically strong line-up that has delivered six wins in a row. We won't know until Tuesday lunchtime who came out on top.

Doof (97) v US Forces [The General] (134)

The second of The Gardener awards up for grabs and US Forces are throwing their might around with a hefty 134 point projection, a good dose of smack-talk and, being friends with Adam Weishaupt, no doubt some black sacrifices too. Doof has a solid 97 projection, which would be competitive in most other games this week. This game will be over by 1pm Monday.

Live by the sword

This is the sort of attitude I just love, email received this afternoon from the team owner of the US Forces. Let's face it, to be in charge of the US Forces you either have to have a sizable pair of nards or look like one of these guys. Or all of the above.

"I'm afraid I'm starting to feel a little giddy being perched so high up on the NFL Fantasy ladder. Is it likely to get difficult anytime soon??? "

-General Dwight Ermey Morshower Kitty

Well, sir (*salute*) it is exactly that kind of hubris that brings a fantasy owner to his knees. And as the Forces take on my crew this week, this is the perfect time!

The secret to winning

Weishaupt konspirative Ecke

Die geheimen Gedanken hervorgebracht von Adam Gehirn auf Ihren Bildschirm.

Ich habe das schwer fassbare geheime Formel, dass die Trainer haben seit dem Mittelalter der Suche entdeckt .. das ist richtig, ich habe entdeckt, wie man gewinnt. Es ist sehr einfach Sie sicherstellen, dass Ihre Gegner vergessen auftauchen, danke Maidens es, was ich das Schlimmste war, welche für die Beleuchtung in diesem Jahr glauben, dass Ihre Selbstlosigkeit durch leuchtete wie ein Leuchtfeuer für andere Trainer und Sie beschenkt mich mit einem Sieg.

Ich begrüße Ihre Aktionen, jetzt wollen wir mal sehen, ob die Woolibeans ebenso großzügige, wenn sie dieses Wochenende spielen an der Lichtkuppel, willkommen in Bayern Jungen sind.

Das neue Rathaus Ende eingang des renovierten Lichtkuppel

Auf Wiedersehen für jetzt, Adam W.

Week 8: Wash-up

Bye-shock played havoc with teams this week, as did the ongoing disrespect players, coordinators and coaches are showing to us poor fantasy players.

Lynch - 27 total yards for 2.7 points - what the hell Pete Carrol?
McCoy - 65 yards for 6.5 points - thank you Chip Kelly.
The Law Firm (BenJarvis Green-Ellis) a whopping 33 yards for 3.3 points.
Darren Sproles - zero.
Boooo!

It's harder to blame wide receivers and tight ends for sucking, but I'm going to call some out:

Mike Wallace - 4.9 points
Justin Blackmon - 3.0 points
Greg Jennings - 0.9 points. I'm not going to put all that on Mr Jennings - his terrible quarterback (I'm looking at you Christian Ponder) and stupid offensive coordinator only targeted him 3 times. THREE. He caught 1 of those 3 for 9 nine yards. What a waste of talent.

Speaking of waste of talent - I commented last week that Calvin Johnson is an obvious starter, despite sitting out last week on The Maiden's bench. The Maiden's unfortunately didn't update their team for Week 8. They got put to the flame by the Lighties, with five of nine players posting zeroes, including Calvin Johnson, who just happened to, well, how can I put it... HAVE A DAY AT THE RACES WITH 329 PASSING YARDS AND 37 POINTS.

Moving right along before I break down in tears. Again.

The Lighties did not have a particularly standout week, including two doughnuts, but did enough to post a win.

The Forces handed Agent P their third loss in a row and setting up a week of soul searching and player grilling. With the win the Forces take top spot on the ladder and bump Agent P down to 3rd place.

For another week Zim's quarterback rollercoaster goes round again. Start 'em and they suck. Sit 'em and they get a few points. Despite that, Run DMC (Darren McFadden), Jordy Nelson and the Bronc's defense stood strong and got the win over a bye-depleted Endless. It also doesn't help when you replace A-grade QB Aaron Rodgers with Mike Vick who then blows his hamstring early in the game. Poor Vick :(

With the sort of irony that only fantasy football can bring, Farnsworth's starting QB Peyton Manning scored less points this week than benched QB Andy Dalton. If you can't immediately place the irony, Peyton put up 45+ points for Farnsworth's bench in Week 1 while Dalton scored around 20 or so. For more QB irony, see Zim. The Farnsworth's also had an empty spot and a zero point player. With a team like that they were unable to bring the heartbreak (that seems reserved for people like me) and cut Breesus down to size. Breesus winning ways continues, with 6, count em SIX, wins in a row. Breesus was once again led by renowned name-thief Drew Brees who posted 33 points. Breesus's three running backs don't know what all the fuss is about, all posting 15+ points. Good for them... or whatever.

In the final game, Doof's Playinators were able to take down an under-resourced Woolibeans. It was Good Cam that showed up in Thursday Night Football and put up 28 points for Wooli, but the rest of the team let him down, including three zeroes. Doof was a bit all over the place - Kaepernick had a better game, Gore was strong and Welker showed up. The gamble of starting Colston did not pay off and Colston will probably be sent back to free agency where he belongs. I don't know why Drew Brees hates him this year, but I'm feeling the hate too.

Doof has now won 4 games straight and has activated The Gardener award. Can the US Forces cut Doof down to size next week? Can Zim cut Breesus at only 6 wins?

Award Ceremony

Yes, last week's award were not posted. I will endeavor to post Week 7 and 8 tonight/tomorrow night. My humblest apologies. 

Hypnotoad Award

Week 8's Hypnotoad Award goes to Breesus King of the Drews for putting up 112 points in a winning team.

Mission Accomplished Award

Continuing the QB irony, Andy Dalton's 31 points on the bench have helped the Farnsworth's take home the Mission Accomplished award for leaving 68 points on the bench and losing to Breesus. QB's are cruel, nasty people that care only for themselves, the bastards! (Except you Colin Kaeper... what's that, Kaep is on a bye this week? QB Free Agency stocks suck? NOOOOO, DAMN YOU TOO COLIN KAEPERNICK)

Black Flag Award

The Black Flag Award goes to Woolibeans for beating his projected score by 7 points.

Most Satisfying Player Award

This weeks Most Satisfying Player should be Calvin Johnson. Should. But as someone (IT WAS THE MAIDENS) left him on the bench the award defaults to Drew Brees who posted 33 points, and is therefore awarded to Breesus King of the Drews. The two sweetest words in the English language, DE-FAULT!

Player Profile: Calvin Johnson

I'm going to take the opportunity to send some serious love to one of my favourite players. I've mentioned him before, but I can't get enough: Calvin Johnson.

Last night I watched Detroit Lions v Dallas Cowboys. In that game I watched my man catch for 329 yards - the 2nd of all time, a mere 7 yards behind the all-time single-game leader. In 2012 Johnson set the season-high receiving record with 1,964 yards, surpassing Jerry Rice. And that with broken fingers. His wikipedia entry puts him at 6ft 5, 107kg. He can run 40-yards in 4.35 and 100m in 10.23 seconds. His vertical leap in 2007 was 42.5 inches. Given the way he 'dunks' a ball over the cross bar, which is 10ft tall, I'd imagine he could easily reach 11+feet.

And you can have all that for a mere 8-year $132m contract.

A segued comparison, if you will. Lance Franklin is the same height, 5kgs lighter and $122m poorer. I'd love to know what Franklin's 40-yard and 100m times are, not to mention his vertical, unfortunately the AFL does not appear to record such interesting, comparative stats.

Last week we watched Megatron catch the ball between three defenders in the end-zone. This week he only had a 2-yard touchdown catch, but his highlight reel is extensive.

NFL Films has done me a solid and put together his catches in one 2:35 package. I strongly recommend watching it.  His fourth quarter catches are just extraordinary. Check out the one at the 1:30 mark - chest mark running with the flight of the ball between two defenders. And then he tacks on some more yards. And then the catch with about 40 seconds to go, again with the flight of the ball, again bumps off a defender. That catch put Detroit on the 1-yard line, 6 points down with seconds to go in the game. QB Stafford.. well, you watch how it ended.


In the game Johnson dropped two passes that both went to the Cowboys for turnovers. He just picked himself up, chastised himself quietly and got on with the game. No theatrics. His touchdown pass - just gently passed the ball back to the referee. I'm sorry to say that Dez Bryant, often compared to Johnson, was not so demure. Towards the end of the game he was remonstrating with team-mates because he didn't have the ball thrown to him enough. Sorry diva, you might be physically comparable to Megatron, but between the ears its a different story.

Calvin Johnson.

Finding a new day job...

The performance of Agent P's team in the past few weeks is prompting Agent P to consider changing his name and finding a new day job. It's either that or a training camp for the team on Planet Blorch.

Agent P becomes Mr Potato

Week 8: Match-ups

With six teams on the bye, Week 8 could be the most challenging to date as owners try to compensate for the huge amount of players that won't be starting. Let's see how everyone did:

US Forces (145) v Agent P (127)

No problems here fielding full teams as the top 2 teams duke it out for top spot. This one probably won't be decided until early Tuesday afternoon as the Forces QB, Wilson, takes the field in Monday Night Football. Agent P is betting the house that starters Mendenhall and Petersen a) both start and b) put in big games. Petersen especially needs to stand up, but burying a two-year son last week is a pretty good (horrible) reason for a poor game.

Lighties (129) v Maidens (42)

The Maidens are suffering from bye-shock with three starters not playing this week, along with starting WR Robby White having a projected 0 points from injury. This can be corrected pretty quickly by putting Big Ben Roethlishberger and Alex Henery in the game and making sure Calvin Johnson is in the side. Megatron should always be in the side. Did you see his TD last week? Against 3-defenders? Are you kidding me? I <3 Megatron. The Lighties have a solid team this week and should bounce back from their shock loss last week.

Endless (65) v Zim (109)

Endless too has bye-shock and is down a few players - and also should note that Finley will not be playing through injury. Zim will be looking to finally beat her ongoing QB-shock, and as a fellow Patriots supporter and Gronkowski-starter I too am looking to Tom Brady for a big game against Divisional rival Miami Dolphins.

Farnsworth (100) v Breesus (128)

The big question of the week, can the Farnsworth's claim The Gardener by cutting off Breesus five-game winning streak? This is also the best QB match-up with Manning v Brees. It's true that Manning lost last week, and his scores have been going down. But he is also facing the Washington defense this week, which is pretty damn poor. And Drew Brees is, well, Drew Brees. It wasn't his fault the Patriots won with 4-seconds to go two weeks ago. BAM!

Doof's Playinators (125) v Woolibeans (63)

One player short for the Wooli's this week as Reggie Wayne is on a bye and also on season ending IR. Cam Newton plays this morning for Wooli which may well set the tone for the rest of the weekend. Good Cam or bad Cam? Doof is taking a punt with Colin Kaepernick who has certainly struggled this season, but like RGIII is getting better as the season goes on.

A couple of extras this week fresh from nfl.com:

Injury report - who is safe to start?
Defense 101 - get some deeper insight into how defenses work

Start em or Sit em - Week 8

Week 8 has six, count em 6, teams on byes. Plus the multitudes on injuries. So here are the experts tips on how to fill in the gaps.

Remember, you can trade between teams. See someone useful to you on someone else's bench? Put in a trade offer. I totally ripped equitably traded with Endless on a trade last week. With Jermichael Finley injured she should be thanking me for trading her Jason Witten!

Quarterbacks

Running Backs

Wide Receivers

Tight Ends

Kickers

Defenses

Week 7: Wash-up

I'll begin this week's wash-up with a most interesting observation. In my Week 7: Match-ups column I noted that Breesus did not have an active QB, the team's namesake was on his bye week. Breesus, ever observant, streamlined in Jay Cutler, a QB having no poor season. Ironically for us, Breesus would have been better off starting Drew Brees as Jay Cutler posted -0.88 points. That's right, negative points. In the final summation it made no difference to the fate of the team as the Lighties were unable to take advantage and Breesus won the game comfortably. This means The Gardener award is still up for grabs in Week 8.

I'm going to label Week 7 as Injury Round. Quite a few players went down injured this week including Jay Cutler. Other notables include Nick Foles, Doug Martin and Sam Bradford. Be careful when picking up players off waiver or free agency this week.

It is a common sight across all match-ups that 60-70% of players are not performing, a team wins based solely on the backs of 1-2 players. It is good fortune if you have those players, poor if you do not.

Breesus was favourable this week despite Cutler's score, Decker, Jackson and Hauscka being the difference makers. Despite Lynch's good game for the Seahawks it did not translate into a great game for the Lighties.

Endlessnessism bucked the trend this week posting 3-4 good scoring players and defeating the Farnsworth's quite comfortably. Forte made up for Cutler's absence on the field with a good running game (28pts), Rodgers had another good game at QB and the 49ers also posted good numbers for the defense. On the other side, Peyton Manning scored well in the broncos first loss of the season, the rest of the Farnsworth's were simply there, being quite unobtrusive - the lazy jerks.

Wooli put up three good scores to comfortably defeat the Maidens. The Maidens were led by week-leader Andrew Luck (30pts) but the Maidens also posted two donuts, which will not get the job done. This win lifts Wooli from 10th on the ladder into 8th place, jumping over Farnsworth and leaving the Maidens wallowing in last place.

Zim's frustration at the QB spot continued with her starting QB again sucking while benched QB posting ok numbers. The collusion between Smith and Brady needs to stop now! Running Back Jacquizz Rodgers posted his best numbers for the season for Zim, while the Broncos defense sucked hard with 0 points. The Forces, meanwhile, had 3-4 solid performers in Bullock, the Patriots def, Dez Bryant and Steve Smith. Not great numbers, but enough to get by and get the win.

In the final game of the round Doof edged out Agent P by a measly 6 points - Agent P's second close loss in a row. Gore led the way for Doof, posting 22 points and Kicker Gostkowski scored well. The rest was junk. For Agent P, two solid performers and 5 junk and 6 points short.

The top of the league table is now jammed with three teams sitting at 5-2, Agent P, Forces and Breesus. Agent P and Forces face off in Week 8 and Breesus takes on serial heartbreaker Farnsworth.

Award Ceremony

Hypnotoad Award

Congratulations to Endlessnessism for taking home the Hypno this week. Endless posted 116 points in a good win over Farnsworths.

Mission Accomplished Award

Ingoldstadt left a whopping 82 points on the bench this week and lost to Breesus King of the Drews. That is 16 more points on the bench that the active players. I recommend seeing Zim about holidaying some of those guys to Blorch.

Black Flag Award

Endlessnessism picks up the Black Flag award for outscoring the projection by 21 points - great coaching job!

Most Satisfying Player Award

The Maidens take home the Most Satisfying Player award for starting Andrew Luck who was the League highest scorer. Too bad the Luck didnt rub off on any other players. Week 8 for sure!