Man love and Alien love both ruin Zim's night...

After having to not only bear the horror of Gonzalez's best game - on my bench - but having to hear Chris Collinsworth's man love go on and  on and on about the Gonzalezator that could do no wrong (yes even when he dropped a ball, it was deemed Matt Ryan's crappy throw).  I realised that BLORCH (Home of the Slaughtering Rat People) would not be sufficient on its own to deal with Gonzalez mocking me so from the bench.  No, no.  That would not be enough at all.  That and I've had a general policy of those that score well do not go to BLORCH even if they are on my bench.  However, this case of clear mocking insolence could not go unpunished.

As you are all aware, I have some new assistance from the Skesis Chamberlain who had some neat ideas around draining the essence out of Gonzalez in order to purchase some youth and/or healing (that could be totally utilised on Ray Rice atm).  But that sneaking Skesis also recruited Santonio Holmes for me who hardly lasted a whole match.  Sure, the Garthim were a little rough with him but he came out with all his limbs.

Is Predator-Alien love natural?

I had considered seeing how my Predator pulled up after nuking Denver, but it turns out that his affair with Ingolstadt's Alien-recruit was more serious than I thought. Apparently, they are up to the third date now and the Predator is pretty excited, even talking about interior design - do they go for the classic Alien-secreted-resin look, or just line the walls with skulls and vertebrae?

As such, I've had to look further for inspiration.  I've found it in the bad asses from Breaking Bad.  Even in death, they managed to crush the spirit of the DEA dude.  As such, they are bound to be useful at chastising Gonzalez.  We'll see how he plays next week I guess, but these guys look like real go getters to me. Am I right?

If you saw these guys, would you learn to not earn more points in one match on my bench then the last 3 weeks combined not on my bench?

Doomydoom members to be sent to BLORCH this week include:

• Ray Rice - I get you were injured, but you were meant to be better.  I've given you enough chances. Lets see how BLORCH helps work that hip injury out.
• Isaiah Pead - You've yet to perform well enough to get off my bench and now you are IA?  Really?  You aren't just sent to BLORCH - YOU HAVE BEEN BANISHED! (To Blorch, obviously).
• BenJarvus Green-Ellis - you are normally on my team.  Sucking on the bench is still a Blorch-able offence BGE.

Success Stories:
Anquon Boldin - performed nicely after two turns at BLORCH.  Looks like he thought I was kidding the first time but seems to have bounced back nicely.

Bring the DOOM people, bring the doom.

Week 4: Match-ups

A lot to look forward to in Week 4: starters scoring highly [please please please], Breesus King of the Drews seeking support from On High for the ass-whooping he receives from the Anti-Breesus-Inator [please please please], and the top-of-the-table clash against the rampaging Agent P and the glowing Illuminators.

Agent P (102) v Illuminators (111)

In her first full game the new coach of Agent P will open her account against the 3-0 Lighties. The smack-talk started early for this game, in typical Illuminator (read, arrogant German) fashion. The danger for our lovable Secret Agent, the Lighties have been backing up their smack by winning games. In good news for Agent P, the 102 projection includes two empty starting spots. A kicker and a defense will certainly take Agent P over the Illuminators' projection. Certainly the Game Of The Week.

Zim (97) v Farnsworths(127)

Farnsworth's have not started well at 0-3, meanwhile Zim's dropped last week to the Lighties. Zim is already waving the big sticks around at training, threatening blorch and other atrocities should they fail her again. Will the stick work? Should she be wielding a giant carrot? Farnsworth has the early projection lead, but I think the players are significantly over-valued.

Maidens (94) v Endless (98)

A close match-up between two 1-2 teams. The Maidens can close the projected gap by adding a Kicker to the team and swapping out a suspended player. Endless is suffering from the same symptoms as so many other teams, players arent performing and now have low expectations. Not much to be done about that except maybe offer some trades with other players or just cross your fingers and hope for the best. This is certainly the Second Best Game Of The Week.

Wooli (76) v US Forces (86)

The Forces suffered their first loss in Week 3, while Wooli has slipped a couple in a row. Wooli will need to update the QB position as his starter is on a Bye, while the Forces Tight End is having his bye. It just so happens that I have a spare tight end I am willing to trade for. Say, Jason Whitten for Jamaal Charles or Reggie Bush or DeSean Jackson? I can sweeten the pot by throwing in LaVeon Bell. All teams can hit me up if they want Whitten, I'm open to trades.

Doof (105) v Breesus (98)

Both teams are coming off their first win of the season and will be looking to consolidate in Week 4. A loss to either team will put them well behind the leaders and make the season quite difficult. In contrast to earlier reports coming out of Ingoldstadt, Doof was actually working with Agent P in putting together the Anti-Breesus-Inator. Occasionally an evil scientist and his secret agent nemesis can work together, when the greater good is at stake. In similar fashion, the Jerusalem Times is reporting that Breesus has been in negotiations with the fanatical Pharisees and simpering Sadducees, something about the proper use of taxes raised at market stalls being funneled into the local football program, which will [obviously] have positive returns on the local community. The Pharisees and Sadducees are excited about the prospects of the King of the Drews this week, and cloak and dagger stories about a secret wager of thirty pieces of silver should they lose are clearly unfounded.

Weekly awards - now live

I am really excited to announce that the Weekly Awards have now gone live!

You will see new links in the top nav bar for the two awards, the Hypno Toad and the Mission Accomplished awards.

The pennants for Weeks 1-3 have been set for the winners. If you have a Hypno (which is only Zim and Agent P to date) then well done! If you have a Mission Accomplished, keep going little buddy.

I can't help it, I see that picture of Prez W and 'little buddy' just comes to mind. It just seems like something he'd say while giving the thumbs up.

Start em or Sit em - Week 4

Tips from the fantasy experts on whether to start or sit players in week 4.

Quaterbacks

Running Backs

Wide Receivers

Tight Ends

Kickers

Defenses

Zim engages savvy new recruiter for Week 4

I would have liked to have given you slathering beasts this week’s candidates for who would be sent to BLORCH: Home of the Slaughtering Rat People.  However, given almost my entire team qualified (even Anquon Boldin did not demonstrate a significant enough boost) I have had to rethink my strategy.

Thus, loyal DoomyDooms, I am announcing two new strategies:

First, I have hired a new talent scout: Chamberlain, a hideous skeksis from the Dark Crystal.  He was easily the most conniving even if not that strong compared to the fat one that took over from the emperor. I think you’ll find Chamberlain’s methods of draining the essence of other talent scouts in order to ascertain the best picks most effective.  

Chamberlain is a shrewd negotiator, without actually frightening
the crap out of me like the Emperor Skeksis does.

 Furthermore, there is little need for negotiation by way of wages as Chamberlain has assured me personally that his Garthim will sort out any logistical issues. 

Welcome Santonio Holmes – I am sure your transition from Garthim cage to Chamberlain to part of my happy team was seamless.  If not, please direct your complaints to Chamberlain.

Second, I AM SENDING THE WHOLE* TEAM TO BLORCH: Home of the Slaughtering Rat People.

Yes, I lied when I may have inferred that BLORCH was being dumped.  NEVER! Indeed, you will all face the wrath of the Slaughtering Rat People and you will all learn to get fantasy points in double digits once again.

This is how you shall all be insolent fantasy team!

*There are exceptions as to who won’t be sent.  As this list for those who will not be sent to BLORCH: Home of the Slaughtering Rat People is shorter than the list of those who will be; I have decided to provide the former.

• Tom Brady – you are working with crappy noobs and still won the game and gave a pretty good performance with good stats.  While I am a little peeved you managed to outscore your understudy thereby benching the extra points, I respect your sprite and have humbly returned you to your position of QB-1.
• Alex Smith – for being one of the few players to post double digits in my BLORCH-worthy team.  That has not saved you from being dumped onto the Bench.  Frankly, Brady has better body language than you - you could learn a lot if only you looked more irritated.
• Ray Rice – you were injured potentially from your stint at BLORCH last week.  You better make it up to me in week 4 or you will again feel the burn of fetid rat teeth burrowing into your flesh.
• Danarius Moore – for trying to impress me despite being in a loser team.  You may make it off the bench after all.

The rest of you freaks will learn how to bring the doom from BLORCH (Home of the Slaughtering Rat People).

Week 4: Around the League

My favourite video program, The Shek Report:
http://www.nfl.com/videos/the-shek-report/0ap2000000250400/The-Shek-Report-Week-3

Top 10 plays of Week 3:
http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-videos/0ap2000000250393/Week-3-Top-10-performance-moments

Fantasy assistance for Week 4:
http://www.nfl.com/photoessays/0ap2000000248782/week-4-fantasy-waiver-wire

Week 3 Power Rankings:
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap2000000249985/article/power-rankings-week-4-bears-saints-ascend-49ers-plummet

A rather interesting analysis of why the Redskins are sucking at 0-3, from the viewpoint of an economist (hint, its not just because they cant tackle):
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2013/09/24/the-real-reasons-the-redskins-cant-win-a-game/

Update:
Love this, Brett Favre's manager talking up the 42 year old's current fitness:
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap2000000250156/article/brett-favre-still-could-play-in-nfl-agent-bus-cook-says

[Secret] Agent P

On behalf of the new team owner, I would like to address the previous, misinformed, post by the Illuminators:

Agent P is not just any platypus, he is a semi-aquatic, egg laying mammal of action. A furry little flatfoot who will NEVER back down from a fray. He has more than just mad skills, he has a beaver tail and a bill. And the women swoon, whenever they hear him say grrrrrrrr!

But don't take my word for it, he has his own theme song!

That gives me the shudders - I'm glad I'm not facing that this week!

Now, back to the Anti-Breesus-Inator:

Weishaupt’s Conspiratorial Corner

The secret thoughts brought forth from Adam’s brain to your screen.

To start with I need to say that I like the platypus as an animal, really I do they are such cute little monotremes.  They combine the most adorable elements of both a duck and otter, with underlying viciousness of a rattlesnake with those venomous spurs …. But they do have a weakness, they are of course nocturnal meaning they can’t take the ..... 

Week 3: Washup

At some point our fantasy favourites are going to actually put on some pads and play some ball right? What a terrible week. Well, for many of you. For me, the Doof's pulled through for their first win of the season and was one of only two teams to breach the 100 point mark. So what am I complaining about? Go team!

The winners this week: Agent P (again), the Doof's, the Maidens, the Bressesus's's and who can forget the Illuminators. Actually, I think Zim has forgotten about the Lighties and has already moved the doom on to Week 4.

This leaves Agent P and the Lighties as the two undefeated team heading into their Week 4 matchup. That game looks to be a beauty. And I am pleased to announce that Agent P has been formally sold and handed over to its new owner. The new owner took little time making line-up changes on Sunday night, replacing Wide Receiver Torrey Smith with Josh Gordon and Kicker Blair Walsh with Graham Gano. An excellent start! If you're like me you would have said, "who the hell is Josh Gordon? Is this new owner crazy?" And then you would have blushed. Gordon came from nowhere-land with the Cleveland Browns to post over 22 points compared with Smith's measly 9.2. And Gano beat Walsh by 1 point.

The Lighties, well. In general the team was terrible, but two players scored over 25 points each to muscle out Zim, despite the threat of nuclear holocaust.

Breesus posted their first win over an impoverished Endless. Two of her starters posted doughnuts, which is never a good look. Conveniently, the Breesus's were led by Brees with a League high 31 points.

The Maidens also posted their first win, edging out the previously unbeaten Forces. This was a close game with only 5 points in it. If the Maidens had remembered to start a Kicker it could have been more. Both of these teams also had a player each with zero points.

Agent P had her way with the Wooli's, despite the Wooli's finally starting a complete line-up. Noone really sucked for Agent P, while Wooli carried a number of weak units who couldnt be bothered putting their dignity on the line. I have a feeling Zim's planet Blorch might be seeing a number of players from all teams this week as coaches try to instill some 'discipline' in their charges.

Finally, Doof v Farnsworth. The re-match of the SuperCoach Grand Final was a bit of a fizzer with the Doof's grinding the Farn's into the dirt where they belong. No, I dont think the Grand Final loss will EVER be forgotten!

Award ceremony

Most points:

This weeks Hypnotoad award goes again to Agent P for posting 142 points in a blowout win against the Wooli's. This is Agent P's second Hypno in a row and puts a lot of pressure on the Lighties.

Most points left on the bench in a losing team:

This weeks Mission Accomplished award goes to Endlessnessism for leaving 50 points on the bench.

Black flag:

Week 3 Black Flag is awarded to Agent P for beating the projection by 17 points. 

Most satisfying player:

Week 3's Most Satisfying Player also goes to Breesus for starting their namesake, Drew Brees who posted the highest score of the Week with 31 points, not just in this League but the entire NFL.

Weishaupt’s Conspiratorial Corner

The secret thoughts brought forth from Adam’s brain to your screen.

I don’t know what did for the guys today, but it could have been the pre match entertainment that was piped directly into the dressing rooms.  We were lucky today to be graced with a performance from the Bavarian über group comprising of Manfred Mann and Austrian Crawl, who combined their respective hits of “Blinded by the Light” and “Boy's Light Up” into the hit mashup Blinded Boys. Of course the second half performance must have been inspired by the alpine beauty Belinda Von Carlisle, who at half time played her hit “Leave a Light on for me”. Whatever it was the boys were pumped, so pumped in fact that they ignored the sight of a Predator (tm) taking to the field.

While it's true there were some underperforming players (like a woeful 0.6 by Roberts) which will mean a midweek trip to player-mart to exchange some players for some that actually work as advertised, some guys stepped up big time.  None more so than the whole Chicago defensive team, who saw our slight Monday morning advantage and pounced.  These illuminated bears more than doubled their season score in a single game.  This was the game where they showed their metal, but it wasn't steel like you'd expect from a defence it was in fact unbreakable Adamantium.  Of course mixed with a little of major sponsor The Gnome's gold for show.

The defence made it for us true but no one should underestimate the strength of the offense.  These boys stood up and made me proud, ripping apart that over rated alien bolstered defence like butter and showing the Zims the true meaning of the word Doom.  Zim for you I say Bring the LIGHT, but I hold no grudges and if my running back and your defensive linesman can bury the hatchet I’m sure in time we too can get along.

The stars were indeed right tonight and we scored an auspicious 23 point victory.  Now as a 3 and 0 team we look to next week, when we teach that platypus a lesson in humility.

Auf Wiedersehen for now, Adam W.

Zim Makes Mistake in line up

If one man covered in mud could beat his new player .....

what could the whole Chicago defense do?

Poor loser may sour game @ Denver stadium...

Look's like Zim's defensive lineman is preparing for a hissy fit...

You have a choice Denver - a 26 points to the defense choice.

New Zim recruit set to kill Light's new guy... and maybe destroy Earth

DoomyDooms,

It has come to my masterful attention that that fetid light worshiper has recruited a formidable running back.  It is imperative that we maintain the advantage.

Ingolstadt's new Alien recruit is almost as concerning as Marshawn Lynch (albeit I hear Lynch has better ball handling skills). Consequently, I have engaged a new defensive linesman that has demonstrated pizzazz in both taking on Alien running backs and pathetic human quarterbacks (Note: I have it on good authority that RG3 is indeed human despite all available evidence to the contrary).

The new Defensive linesman demonstrated his mad skills on the practice field today.  Hope you are up for the darkening, Ingolstadt.

New defensive linesman has killed everyone so far - am trying to contain his killing to only opponents.  I figure he'll get a fine after the game for the conduct but it'll be worth it.

Bring the Doom, dear Linesman.  Bring the DOOM

Addendum:
Note to self: Had a great chat with former New Orleans Saints defensive coordinator, Gregg Williams. He had some great ideas for ways to "incentivise" my defense for the next game.  Jack Del Rio - start taking notes or you will be sent to BLORCH: Home of the Slaughtering Rat People.  

Breaking News .....

Lights sign new running back to take on Zim's crew

Week 3: Match-ups

Week 3 starts shortly, and with it comes the glory and the agony. I'm focusing on the glory this week, Zim and the cuddly Illuminators are both seeking glory. Who else is stepping up?

Doof (118) v Farnsworths (101)

BEHOLD, THE ANTI-FARNSWORTHS-INATOR

Two 0-2 teams face off, one will walk away with a W and the other will post a third donut in a row. Three losses to open the season will be very hard to come back from, but the Farnsworth's accomplished not just that feat in the 2013 SuperCoach League, they also stole the premiership Cup from Doof's hands. Doof is definitely looking for payback and a kick-start to a winning season. A can sense a brand-new Anti-Farnsworths-Inator in the making.

Endless (89) v Breesus (108)

Breesus will be looking for some divine intervention following last weeks abysmal performance. Not even Hades could bear to watch the carnage. Both sides have tinkered with their line-ups, from the projections Breesus has won that battle.

Cuddly Illuminators:
you'll be seeing a lot of
this image this season thanks
to ZIM

Illuminators (115) v Zim (102)

The smack talking started early between these teams as they both vie to keep their winning seasons on target. There can be only one shining light at the end of the round and the projection puts the Illuminators up. As usual it will all depend on which Running Backs can actually bother showing up this week. Last week Lynch entered Beast Mode and ran riot over the 49ers, putting the Farnsworth's to rest. Zim will be looking at The Law Firm (BenJarvis Green-Ellis) and Ray Rice to play similar roles in this weeks showdown.

US Forces (122) v Maidens (97)

The Maidens are 0-2 and the Forces are 2-0. Even with a stinker from star-QB Kaepernick last week the Forces had enough depth to post a win. The Maidens meanwhile lost a close one to Agent P. The Maidens currently do not have a Kicker in the squad, so that is a must if the Maidens are to have any chance. The Maidens will be hoping the Forces consist mostly of Black Hawks choppers that have a tendency to fly into each other and explode, and not so much of, well, pretty much any other military hardware. Because, lets face it, if Michael Bay has taught us anything (and he has!) its that the military hardware of the US Forces is so damn cool.

Wooli (103) v Agent P (116)

Wooli followed up an impressive Week 1 victory with a close Week 2 loss. Although Zim was wringing her hands in delight, Wooli forgetting to fill two spots was the difference between the two teams. Wooli has corrected that error and has posted a complete line-up for Week 3. Agent P has quietly gone about posting two wins and sits in first place in the League. Despite the unassuming on-field performance, Agent P has been hard at work behind the scenes in changing owners. From Week 3 a new owner takes control of the franchise. Only time will tell whether the team name is changed to reflect the new owners intent. In any case, Agent P boasts a strong line up and will be tough to beat.

Operation Impending Darkness

Doomydooms,

It is imperative that you all understand the bluff that is the Ingolstadt Illuminators.  Their coach may try to act as if they are some nefarious coven working under cover of ancient secrets and traditions, but I put it to you that they are all as harmless as kittens.  Hello kitty kittens.  

We all knew Hello Kitty is always the default leader of any secret society

As you are all by now aware, Anquan Boldin has been reformed at our prestige re-education facility, Blorch: Home of the Slaughtering Rat People.  I expect you to all learn from Anquon’s experiences and not repeat his insolent lack of doom bringing last weekend.  

This week I expect the winning, flaming pyre of illumination of Ingolstadt to be extinguished!  Let his lovely glistening world be brought down into the depths, to a place were light has no place.  A place where we can boldly mock Ingolstadt's De-llumination!

Now, for those of you that are a little slow (Gonlalez, that pun was directed immediately at your vicinity) a brief reminder of your choices.  Win against those Hello Kitty freaks; snuff out their horrid light; make your Mighty Ruler proud.   

OR

BLORCH: Home of the Slaughtering Rat People

Why did I show you that horrible image?  To motivate.  Like Belichick did.

Bring the DOOM people, bring the doom.

From the diary of Dr Doofenschmirtz

*The following is an extract from the unpublished diaries of the evil scientist, Dr Heinz Doofenschmirtz - head coach of Doof's Playinators*

Dear Diary,

It all started out so well, where did it go so wrong? I'll tell you where it went wrong, WHEN WE LET AGENT P INTO THE LEAGUE!

I specifically created the memo-inator to write and send the memo to VP3 demanding that my arch-nemesis not be allowed in the league*. VP3 won't get away with this, I will call on the other evil villains at L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. to create a super complain-inator.

Week 3's nemesis is the Farnsworth's, it will be too bad for them when I finish creating the Anti-Farnsworth-Inator and TOTALLY DESTROY THEIR TEAM! Not that they need much help, they are doing a fine job on their own. Maybe they too have a secret agent foiling all their perfectly laid out plots?

Plus, I have put out more platypus traps, so Agent P will not interrupt my important work AT WINNING THE SUPERBOWL!

Well diary, as promised, here are some photos from Week 2. The first is me with my Anti-Endless-inator. It was a proud moment.. The second, my wonderful lab after Agent P "stopped by".

Anti-Endlessness-inator

So long Anti-Endlessness-inator

-Love Dr Doofenschmirtz



*Editors note: Agent P destroyed the memo-inator in the pre-season before it could write the letter. Agent P's handlers then petitioned VP3 for a spot in the league so they could keep a close eye on Dr D.

Start em or Sit em - Week 3

Tips from the fantasy experts on whether to start or sit players in week 3.

Quaterbacks

Running Backs

Wide Receivers

Tight Ends (Wooli, you will want to read this!)

Kickers

Defenses

Official Apology

Dave Dameshek unreservedly apologies to Mike Tomlin and Steelers organisation for incorrectly attributing the following quote to the Steelers Head Coach:

‘We’re an 0 and 2 football team right now, er there are several reasons for that probably the most significant of reasons is we’re not scoring enough points’

The footage broadcast on the Shek Report appeared to show Tomlin’s speaking these words at a post game press conference, 

However Dameshek has since learnt that they were in fact coming from the mouth of Doofenshmirtz who was utilizing his hidyourfaceandmakeyourselflooklikeasteelerinator, the undoctored footage looks more like this.

Rightly Doof is ashamed of his record this season and wanted to get it off his chest, but to hide it from his fellow VP3 coaches and to use this technology to besmirch the name of Tomlins is unforgiveable.  

Shame Doof Shame, but remember you did this to yourself.

Around the League

News and videos for week 2:

The Shek Report:
http://www.nfl.com/videos/the-shek-report/0ap2000000246530/The-Shek-Report-Week-2

NFL Power rankings:
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap1000000246215/article/power-rankings-week-3-seahawks-claim-top-spot-giants-fall

Hot off the wire:
http://www.nfl.com/photoessays/0ap1000000245229

Top 10 performances:
http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-network-total-access/0ap2000000246513/Week-2-Top-10-performance-moments

NFL Standings:
http://www.nfl.com/standings

Week 2: Washup

Two weeks in: 4 teams are sitting at 2-0; 2 teams at 1-1; and a whopping 4 teams are yet to post a W.

I would like to congratulate the newest team to win, but as it was at my expense I think I will spitefully withhold my praise. Screw you Endless and your blob-faced quarterback!

Congrats to the other winners: Agent P, Zim, the Forces and the Illuminators. Anyone else see the connection here? A special agent, a world-conquering military leader, a freaking army, and the backing of the German super-elite. Is it too late (or too early?) to call in the Integrity Unit? Should we create an Integrity Unit? I remain vigilant and suspicious.

Another week of poor running back performances. For the most part. The Illuminators have already bragged about their 'star' player - whatever. Funnily, for the most par the wide receivers arent doing that much better. There are a lot of mediocre and poor performances on each team, with a smattering of good or standouts. Hopefully the trend will reverse, at least for the lowly Doofs.

Heads up to Farnsworth's for starting Peyton Manning this week. Funnily this week he barely outscored Farnsworth's backup QB, Andy Dalton.

Endless nearly followed in Farnsworth's footsteps, benching Aaron Rodgers for Mike Vick. Rodgers went on to have a standout game and post the most points for the week. Luckily for Endless, Vick scored the second highest points for the week. Points hog!

Kudos to Zim for posting a low score and still winning the game.

Shout out to Wooli, you're still playing two men short. That sort of arrogance is fine agains the Farnsworth's, against the Doom it was ill-placed. Wooli plays Agent P this week who will also exploit the situation.

Award ceremony

Most points:

This weeks Hypnotoad award goes to Agent P for posting 124 points in a close win against the Maidens.

Most points left on the bench in a losing team:

This weeks Mission Accomplished award goes to Woolibeans for leaving 80 points on the bench. For the second week in a row the winner of this award had more points on the bench than their active team. Funnily, Wooli also had more players on the bench that the active team.

Black flag:

Week 2 Black Flag is awarded to Endless for beating the projection by 17 points. Great coaching!

Most satisfying player:

Week 2's Most Satisfying Player also goes to Endless for starting Mike Vick who posted the second highest score of the Week.

Weishaupt and Ingolstadt are the best

By the biggest Ingolstadt Fan

On Monday afternoon cheers rang around the Raeburn Reserve Stadium, the former home to Ingolstadt FC from the Hattrick Oceania league, now redeveloped as the Light Dome the brand new home to the Ingolstadt Illuminators.  That’s right, our beloved Lights have made in 2 and 0 in week 2 of the VP3 season 2013.  While not reaching the projected 140+ points, they managed to rack up a very serviceable 112.70 to the disappointing 90.68 of the 0 and 2 Farnsworths.

On the Monday morning, the Farns’ head coach Sandman was quietly confident as his team had a narrow 9 point lead with only 1 Ingolstadt player left to go.  While this player was a running back with the potential to score big, Sandman was buoyed by the NFL.com article Going Deep. Are fantasy RBs endangered species? Which pointed out Running Backs were scoring low so far this season, with the ball being passed around a lot for a diverse running game, the QBs running themselves and also relaying heavily on the throwing game.  

But what Sandman failed to take into account was this lone Lights player was Marshawn Lynch (the #3 scoring RB this season) who while scoring a disappointing 5.2 in round 1 was started by the trusting HC Adam Weishaupt.  Weishaupt was rewarded for his faith in the 5’11” 27 year old with an amazing 31.50 points.

Sandman was devastated and went missing from his office for much of the day, claiming that there were prearranged meetings.  The lights HC and mascot Lummi had to resort to post-it notes taunts rather than face to face heckling.

Finally both teams had finished all their starting players for a provisional 22.02 point victory to the luminescent lights, pending final league verification of the score this should move the lights into the top 4 of VP3.

This reporter from www.IngolstadtFanTheBestBlogInTheWord.de managed to get a few words from the genius Weishaupt who had this to say “In your face Sandman …. Loser, Loser, Loser”.   Weishaupt then went on to hold his finger and thumb in the shape on an L on his forehead and dance a jig around the very public space, not seeming to care who saw this display of exuberance.

Belichick may have a doghouse, but the almighty ZIM has BLORCH

Last week, I forced you all to bask in the glory that is ZIM.

This week, I’ve had to reflect on the performance of some of my “star” players.  I was tempted after week one, in preparation for week 2, to recruit some new blood to my mighty minion stronghold.  However, I thought, no no, I’ll have faith in my mighty minions.  In the fullness of time I will weed out the weaklings and replace them with the mighty iron fist of DOOM. Some of my minions rose up to the challenge - Jordy and Randall for example both found my favour this day.  Others did not (yes Ray Rice, my maleficent glare is very doomily directed at you). 

I considered what other esteemed coaches would do in my position.  Obviously I could not take the path of that pussywillow Neeld; that ‘do your best’ and ‘it does not matter if you suck’ mentality has no place in bringing the doom.  Instead, I have looked for inspiration in the likes of William Stephen "Bill" Belichick.  His dissatisfaction in Week 1 with Ridley and consequent damnation in the doghouse was an inspiration.

Consequently, I have determined it appropriate to institute an old tradition of Doom.  That's right, I will be sending said poor performers to BLORCH: Home of the Slaughtering Rat People.  Why?  BECAUSE I AM ZIM!!  Also, to motivate.  Like Belichick did.

This week’s lucky attendees to BLORCH: HotSRP 

Anquan Boldin – I know it wasn’t entirely your fault that Kaepernick prefers to run rather than you know, throw you the ball, but you should have tackled him better to get the yards.  You are in my team, Kaepernick isn't.  I need you to get the ball even if you have to bite and claw it out of your QB's dead hands. Hopefully after some time on Blorch, running from the Slaughtering Rat People, you’ll figure out how to GET MORE YARDS THAN YOUR QUARTERBACK. 

Picture yourself, Anquan Boldin, cowering in horror at BLORCH: Home of the Slaughtering Rat People.
You won't fail me again.

Ray Rice – for getting less yards than Richard Sherman (on the defense for the Seahawks, as if Boldin's failures weren't enough).  Sure you were injured, but just imagine how that hip flexor will improve with the evolutionary pressure that only slaughtering rat people chasing you down can bring.

Next time, Mr Ray Rice, don't expect Ray Lewis's neck hold to be so friendly.

Players on Notice:

Tony Gonzalez – what exactly about your name don’t you understand?

Tom Brady – my back up QB has a whole lot of karma helping his performance, I get that it is hard to compete against karma and you are still doing better than say, Kaepernick this week (who lacks karma due to replacing Smith – your QB-understudy).  At this point you’re being forgiven for your lack of performance due to your DOOM-GAZES and body language (yes, I agree you need to address your body language in that you need to do more of that).  However, you don’t win points on doom gazes alone.  

Bring the DOOM people, bring the doom.

Kinda amazing

One of the players in tonight's big game between the 49ers and Seahawks is legally deaf.

When he lines up on the field QB, Russel Wilson, looks at Coleman so he can read Wilson's lips.

Pretty amazing stuff:
http://seattletimes.com/html/seahawks/2021614016_seahawks15xml.html

Game day

It is 9:40am Monday morning, and by now most of the weeks games are done, dusted, over. The late-afternoon games are possibly still underway, and the Sunday night game is still to come.

Sunday night is the NFL's prime time game. It is shown on NBC, free-to-air, and features my favourite commentary team of Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth. NFL commentary teams typically pair a pro-commentator with an ex-pro footballer. In this case its Chris who is the ex-NFL player. I really like these guys but I believe its a controversial mixing, with many people not liking his style. When NBC bought the rights for the Sunday game they wanted Al Michaels, who was with CBS I think, which, I think, is owned by Disney. Or maybe he was with ESPN which is owned by Disney. In any case, NBC paid a crapload of money to Disney for Al, including signing over a number of rights to shows and things.

Another great pairing of commentators is Joe Buck and Troy Aikman.  Aikman was of course the great Dallas Cowboys QB from the 90s and sports [I think] 3 superbowl titles.They are the main commentators for FOX. I love seeing them together in the box, Joe Buck is so small compared to Aikman, but always seems to have glassy-eyes for this super-hero QB. Adorable.

Back to game-day:

For all of Monday I try to avoid everything to do with football. I carefully scan Australian news, and avoid American news sites altogether. I skip my twitter feed. I don't even look at Fantasy scores, I have no idea how the Doof's, Endless or any other team is going. I am cut off. Monday night is football night. I get home and race to the tv, carefully select two games to watch and that's my night. Two games, back-to-back, with no knowledge of the results. Purity.

Tonight its the Redskins at Packers for the first game followed by 49ers at Seattle. 49ers v Seattle is fast becoming the best rivalry in football and I cant wait to watch that game. Two young, on-fire teams. Should be a blast.

Redskins have one of the most interesting young players in the League in Robert Griffin III, RG3. He was drafted 2nd in the 2012 draft and in his rookie year last year he set pretty much all rookie records there are until his tore his knee in the play-offs. Surgery and recovery all off-season, no pre-season, he played his first game with his team last week in Week 1. A very poor first half followed by a pretty decent 2nd half. RG3 is an amazing player to watch.

Then there's the Packers. Perennial play-off contenders, best QB in the league with Aaron Rodgers. They lost last week to the 49ers in a fairly spiteful game, it will be interesting to see how they respond following the loss.

Football, my favourite time of year.

Week 2: Match-ups

Week 2 is upon us and is set to start in about 35 minutes as I write this column.

For some reason the NFL likes to start the week with a Thursday night game, which starts around 10:30am Friday in our neck of the woods. Then most games are played Sunday afternoon/evening/night, between 1am and 1pm Monday. The round finished up with a Monday night game, about 10:30AM Tuesday.

So the fantasy schedule runs from Friday morning through Tuesday lunch-time.

This weeks match-ups - with the projections (as I write) in brackets:

Endless's QB

Doof (138) v Endless(95):

Both teams looking to counter a Week 1 loss. Both teams have moved heavily in free agency this week to correct draft mistakes.
In possibly distracting news for Endless, The Age ran an article on her starting Quarterback, kind of mean I think.

 Farnsworths (108) v Illuminators (143):

Illuminator's started with a poor win over the even worse Doof's. But a win is a win. The Farnsworth's, well, we all know their Week 1 story. Both teams have been active in boosting their playing stocks.

Breesus (106) v US Forces (126):

US Forces started with a nice win and will look to consolidate against Breesus. Despite a strong line-up on paper the projections for Breesus are slim, with the RB2 and WR2 and Flex all posting poor projections.

Zim (131) v Wooli (99):

Zim got off to a flyer by posting the highest score in Week 1, and Wooli was not far behind. If Wooli can fill all their playing spots the projection will increase, but probably not enough to out-project Zim. Zim will be hoping her QB Tom Brady has some starting wide receivers this week, and will most likely be targeting Julian Edelman a fair bit. Coincidentally, Edelman was picked up by Doof this week.

Maidens (106) v Agent P (122):

Next to Zim, Agent P has probably the strongest starting line-up coming from the draft. With no changes this week Agent P will take his Week 1 line-up straight into Week 2. The Maidens did not have a strong Week 1, positing a L in the Win-Loss column, but certainly have the players in the list to post a big score.

Impressed

Team owners who played the 2013 AFL SuperCoach will be familiar with this refrain: "the SuperCoach system is crap and I can't wait for NFL Fantasy to start back up again".

SuperCoach coaches I'm sure will agree heartily, compared to NFL, SuperCoach is like some fetid swampland, one wrong step and you're in peril.

And so when I was looking up my Game Center this morning and working out whether my players are in good positions against Endless I discovered the Tuesday Preview pane. In it I get a rundown of the game this week:

That is cool!

On the right hand panel I also get some Around The League stats and info:

There is some weirdness in the system, although nothing directly comes to mind. But I really dig all the touches.

And, one more time, SuperCoach is SO CRAP - I <3 NFL Fantasy

Start em or Sit em - Week 2

Tips from the fantasy experts on whether to start or sit players in week 2.

Quaterbacks

Running Backs

Wide Receivers

Tight Ends

Kickers

Defenses

The Shek Report - Week 1

My favourite video series, from nfl.com, The Shek Report. It was previously called The Shame Report, which is far more descriptive, as in this series Dave Dameshek highlights the shame and stupidity from around the league each week.

Highly recommended 4 minutes of your time.

http://www.nfl.com/videos/the-shek-report/0ap2000000242551/The-Shek-Report-Week-1

Around the League

Some interesting posts and videos from NFL.com:

Running backs WTF:
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap1000000241927/article/week-1-nfls-top-running-backs-turn-in-soso-numbers

BEAST performances:
http://www.nfl.com/videos/top-10-beast-mode-performances/0ap2000000241002/Week-1-Top-10-beast-performances?continuous=true

Fantasy Trash or Treasure:
http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-am/0ap2000000241874/NFL-Fantasy-Trash-or-Treasure

Week 1 Players of the Week:
http://www.nfl.com/fantasyfootball/story/0ap1000000240903/article/nfl-fantasy-football-week-1-players-of-the-week

Team Power Rankings:
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap1000000241907/article/power-rankings-week-2-eagles-saints-soar-redskins-sink

Players scores and projections:
http://fantasy.nfl.com/league/1233112/players

Weekly awards

As mentioned in the previous post, in the AFL season teams were awarded the Hypnotoad Award for winning with the most points, and the Mission Accomplished Award, for leaving the most points on the bench.

The awards took the form of trading cards, and I have attached two samples below.

I am happy to continue this tradition through the 2013 VP3 year. Unless someone can suggest a different set of names I will use these names again. 

Week 1: Washup

We've waited seven months for Week 1 to finally arrive and now it is over. Only 16 weeks of regular season to go.

The new teams wasted no time in showing the old teams how this fantasy game is played. Woolibeans had a big win over the Farnsworths and US Forces were narrow victors over Endless. The Illuminators also narrowly won, beating Doof in the final game of the round. Damn you Arian Foster! Damn you Wes Welker for being on the bench!

I'd like to highlight the Wooli v Farnsworth's matchup. Not only did Farnsworth NOT start Peyton Manning, Wooli didn't even both to start 2 whole positions. That's right, playing TWO men short Wooli still posted over 100 points. It takes some big cojones to roll into a new fantasy league, make a number of line-up changes, leave two spots open and still walk away with a big fat W. My hat goes off to you. And it does leave me wondering whether the coach is related to Chip Kelly, new coach of the Eagles. His first game in the NFL was somewhat similar, although he always had a full line-up.

Like a lot of NFL teams, for many of us Week 1 is a week we will try to forget. Move on to Week 2 and hope our players don't let us down. For those who won... whatevers.

Award ceremony:

Each week four awards will be handed out. The award for the most points in a winning team: this celebrates winning. The award for the most points left on the bench in a losing team: this celebrates nothing, it should inspire competitiveness so the team manages their line-up better. Previous Fantasy Leagues suggest this is not the case and in the AFL Fantasy I was wondering whether people just loved getting this award. The award for beating the projected spread: this celebrates excellence in line-up management. The award for starting the highest scoring player: this celebrates luck.


The first two awards are League awards and are in search of names. Previously the awards were called the Hypnotoad Award, for mesmerising the opponent and kicking ass. And the Mission Accomplished Award, for assuming every is cool, throwing in the towel early, throwing a celebratory party on an aircraft carrier, and getting your ass kicked in Iraq for another 10 years. This award had previously been known as the Snickers Award, for not performing at your best while hungry.

I am happy to stick with those names, unless someone can suggest something better?

The second two awards are presented by the NFL Fantasy Service, you can find the awards in the Trophy section of the League website. Be sure to check out the 2012 Championship trophy while you're there.

Most points (Hypnotoad Award):

Congrats to Zim's Doomydooms for bringing the doom and pain and topping the points in Week 1. In Zim's opening game she posted 126 points. A true winner.

Most points left on the bench by a losing team (Mission Accomplished):

It will come as no surprise that this award is [proudly] presented to the Farnsworths. What is surprising is that he left 109 points on the bench. That's right, Farnsworth's bench outscored 7 of 10 teams in Week 1.

Black Flag:

The Black Flag award goes to Wooli for smashing the projected total by over 30 points. WITHOUT A FULL LINE-UP! Wooli may well be the team to watch this year.

Most Satisfying Player:

The Most Satisfying Player award goes to US Forces for having the highest scoring player in an active line-up. Colin Kaepernick played a great game, but to be fair the award SHOULD have gone to Farnsworth's, who, of course, BENCHED PEYTON MANNING. Nope, I am not letting you live that down for a while. US Forces gets the award for being lucky.

Full disclosure

I benched Wes Welker, who racked up 16 points with 2 TDs.

Time will tell whether Andy Dalton and Greg Jennings can top Manning and Welker's efforts.

Farnsworth [not] off to a flyer

In the opening round the ever-young Peyton Manning threw 7 touchdowns. Count em, SEVEN. The first time a QB has thrown 7 since 1969. Add 462 yards to that and you get a whopping 46 fantasy points.

Actually, no one gets a whopping 46 fantasy points.

Team Owner, Farnell Farnsworth's, benched Manning for Week 1. Tough but fair. The ever-young QB is like 137 years old and has had 4 neck surgeries.

The starter: Andy Dalton.

Oh, Farnsworths *shake head*