Belichick may have a doghouse, but the almighty ZIM has BLORCH

Last week, I forced you all to bask in the glory that is ZIM.

This week, I’ve had to reflect on the performance of some of my “star” players.  I was tempted after week one, in preparation for week 2, to recruit some new blood to my mighty minion stronghold.  However, I thought, no no, I’ll have faith in my mighty minions.  In the fullness of time I will weed out the weaklings and replace them with the mighty iron fist of DOOM. Some of my minions rose up to the challenge - Jordy and Randall for example both found my favour this day.  Others did not (yes Ray Rice, my maleficent glare is very doomily directed at you). 

I considered what other esteemed coaches would do in my position.  Obviously I could not take the path of that pussywillow Neeld; that ‘do your best’ and ‘it does not matter if you suck’ mentality has no place in bringing the doom.  Instead, I have looked for inspiration in the likes of William Stephen "Bill" Belichick.  His dissatisfaction in Week 1 with Ridley and consequent damnation in the doghouse was an inspiration.

Consequently, I have determined it appropriate to institute an old tradition of Doom.  That's right, I will be sending said poor performers to BLORCH: Home of the Slaughtering Rat People.  Why?  BECAUSE I AM ZIM!!  Also, to motivate.  Like Belichick did.

This week’s lucky attendees to BLORCH: HotSRP 

Anquan Boldin – I know it wasn’t entirely your fault that Kaepernick prefers to run rather than you know, throw you the ball, but you should have tackled him better to get the yards.  You are in my team, Kaepernick isn't.  I need you to get the ball even if you have to bite and claw it out of your QB's dead hands. Hopefully after some time on Blorch, running from the Slaughtering Rat People, you’ll figure out how to GET MORE YARDS THAN YOUR QUARTERBACK. 

Picture yourself, Anquan Boldin, cowering in horror at BLORCH: Home of the Slaughtering Rat People.
You won't fail me again.

Ray Rice – for getting less yards than Richard Sherman (on the defense for the Seahawks, as if Boldin's failures weren't enough).  Sure you were injured, but just imagine how that hip flexor will improve with the evolutionary pressure that only slaughtering rat people chasing you down can bring.

Next time, Mr Ray Rice, don't expect Ray Lewis's neck hold to be so friendly.

Players on Notice:

Tony Gonzalez – what exactly about your name don’t you understand?

Tom Brady – my back up QB has a whole lot of karma helping his performance, I get that it is hard to compete against karma and you are still doing better than say, Kaepernick this week (who lacks karma due to replacing Smith – your QB-understudy).  At this point you’re being forgiven for your lack of performance due to your DOOM-GAZES and body language (yes, I agree you need to address your body language in that you need to do more of that).  However, you don’t win points on doom gazes alone.  

Bring the DOOM people, bring the doom.