Week 5: Washup

I'm sure I'm not the only one sitting here looking at the Week 5 results saying, huh? Oh sure, some of you chumps and chumpettes have big ol' smiles on your faces, like Top Dollar on Devil's Night - blerg to you! BLERG!

Breesus (93) def Bradylessbrothers (69) 

Once again Breesus scrapes in the win with a solid, but not dominant performance, but still dispatching BB with relative ease. BB must have been tearing his hair out Monday afternoon, watching previous-namesake Tom Brady have his best game of the year and easily best both Big Ben and high profile ring-in Tony Romo. Brady sat out the week on the Lighties bench and Big Ben had a poor showing. Previous weekly stud Steve Smith sucked, Arian Foster showed up in Week 5, on BBs bench! Replace Roethlisberger with Brady and Bradshaw with Foster and BB takes the game and wins The Gardener. The fates are cruel bitches.

Breesus setting another winning line-up, like a boss

This is how I image BB's week went, using Jackie Moon's experience in Semi-Pro as a reference:

"WOOOO I GOT ME SOME ROMO AND SOME BIG BEN
TIME TO KICK ASS AND CHEW BUBBLEGUM
SUCK IT BITCHES"

"Brady, stop it... stop it... I'm just going to bite my hand until you stop"

Screw this, I'm outta here

I feel you, BB, I feel you.

Agent P (114) def Heartbreakers (80)

A big rebound from the demolition job last week as Agent P keeps the Heartbreaker from ruining her Week 5. Demarius Thomas led the way in points in Week 5 and Phil Rivers had yet another good game. (Am I the only one waiting for the old-Chargers to kick in and San Diego to finish the year with a 6-10 record? ) Matt Ryan shows once again that he can't play away games (much like Drew Brees - dome syndrome?). Funnily enough, the Farnsworth's stat sheet looks remarkably like Breesus', a few solid performers and the rest all sub-par. In relative good news for the Farnsworth's, the score was good enough to beat 5 of the 10 teams this week, but not the team he was against. The bench warmers all had poor games so the best team was played - bitchy fate again.

Happy now!

Marcy (132) def Endless (65)

Big week for Marcy who records not only her first win but also the biggest score of the week and the biggest winning margin of the week AND moves off the bottom of the standings (*grumble*). Endless's awesome team on paper proved to be paper thin with no winners at all. Dez Bryant and Andre Ellington could have lent some spark to the team instead of sitting on the bench, but nothing could have stopped the Vampire Queen this week. It started with Lacy racking up his best game of the season, the Eagles again winning via the Defence, Quick being just that and Eli, Peyton's little bro, not playing like the 2013 Little Bro. You know, good for him. I guess.

Lighties (77) def The General (75)

The Lighties had their monster win in Week 4 and quickly went back to close fought games, winning by only 2 points. Peyton Manning threw his 500th touchdown - the second player ever to achieve that feat, and scored big for the Illuminators. Gore and Carpenter had solid games, and good thing they did as the rest of the team stayed at home and ate roast beef. Poor Donnell, the hero of Week 4, posted a donut in Week 5. Dang rookies. The General left an inactive player in his line-up but, worst of all, lost 3 points to the Bengal defence. That's right, the Bengals cost him the game. If The General had not bothered to start a defence he would have won. I don't think that is a good lesson for a military man to take to heart. Another crazy fantasy note, Cutler, in a losing performance, scored more points that Luck, who had another winning game. Cutler > Luck? Mind: blown.

Zim (118) def Doof (72)

Ok, after Week 5 I think I can finally admit it: I'm letting you all win and tanking the season to make you all feel better about your own teams... like totally! I'm beginning to suspect my strategy of drafting WR's instead of RB's isn't working. Not that most elite RB's have done well this season, but my two monsters that were supposed to return 20-30 points between them have rolled up 9, 8 and 5.4 over the past 3 weeks. Megatron, Marshall... I trusted you guys! Why? And then there's Percy Harvin who scored three TD's in Monday Night Football, only to have ALL OF THEM cancelled because of penalties on the plays. Harvin put up 3.4 points instead of close to 30 if the TDs had stood. OMG! And yes, my bench scored more points than my starters, thank you for pointing that out too. DJax: 21, Wilson 34, Tate 12. UGH! Zim's stat sheet looks like the one we all want: 7 players over 10 points. A couple over 20 would have been nice, but you'd take 118 points in any given week and Zim sits happily in second place.