Movember (aka a very silly month)

The first of November typically brings out a bevy of clean shaven faces, so eager and innocent. And then after a week or so the 'stache sets in and by the end of November the razor is well and truly singing its Siren song.

I would like to welcome all our Team Owner's that are participating in Movember and making November a silly month to post their movember webpages to illicit donations. And I encourage donations to be made.

I am more than happy to post a url on your behalf, just email me the link.

With my high cheek bones, good looks and complete inability to grow facial hair I will not be participating, I instead will remain envious of those who can, especially the ones that can become full on beardo's.

And now, to honour those that can, some great 'staches from the NFL:

Week 8: Match-ups

Another week with six teams on a bye - if the past couple of weeks is anything to go by then some teams will struggle again. Not that fielding a full line-up provides any certainty of success, active players can still bring the suck.

Two teams this week are playing for The Gardener award - US Forces can cut Doof down to size, while Zim will be looking to hammer some nails into Breesus (too soon?).

Woolibeans [Isabel] (37) v Illuminators [Lighties] (115)

Currently the most skewed of all match-ups this week, Wooli has four active players that are looking at posting zero. The Lighties meanwhile have put up a very solid team that has fairly realistic projections. Wooli's bench is sporting enough players to fill the WR and RB gaps while a quick trip to Free Agency for a new kicker shouldnt take too long. A quick two-minute drill and Wooli will be back in contention.

Agent P (95) v Endlessnessism (73)

Agent P is looking to arrest a 3-game slide while Endless needs to make sure she doesn't get on the slide, having dropped one last week. Both teams look pretty good on paper, with Endless only behind on projection because she needs a new defense and QB. During the week Dave Dameshek called Aaron Rodgers the GOAT (Greatest of all Time), and there he is, waiting patiently on Endless's bench to be activated. A defense from free agency and the stats will be pretty even.

Grid Iron Maidens (83) v Farnsworths (88)

A close match up between two of the cellar dwellers. The Maidens can replace Blackmon with Jackson on the bench to complete the line-up and get in front on the projections. The Farnsworth's will be looking to Andy Dalton to open the week with a big game and break to 10 projected points, which seems very low to me.

Zim (56) v Breesus (93)

Looking to prune her second The Gardener award, Zim will need to manage her bye'd players and hope that her QB carousel can actually bring some love. Breesus, meanwhile, has set up a typically strong line-up that has delivered six wins in a row. We won't know until Tuesday lunchtime who came out on top.

Doof (97) v US Forces [The General] (134)

The second of The Gardener awards up for grabs and US Forces are throwing their might around with a hefty 134 point projection, a good dose of smack-talk and, being friends with Adam Weishaupt, no doubt some black sacrifices too. Doof has a solid 97 projection, which would be competitive in most other games this week. This game will be over by 1pm Monday.

Live by the sword

This is the sort of attitude I just love, email received this afternoon from the team owner of the US Forces. Let's face it, to be in charge of the US Forces you either have to have a sizable pair of nards or look like one of these guys. Or all of the above.

"I'm afraid I'm starting to feel a little giddy being perched so high up on the NFL Fantasy ladder. Is it likely to get difficult anytime soon??? "

-General Dwight Ermey Morshower Kitty

Well, sir (*salute*) it is exactly that kind of hubris that brings a fantasy owner to his knees. And as the Forces take on my crew this week, this is the perfect time!

The secret to winning

Weishaupt konspirative Ecke

Die geheimen Gedanken hervorgebracht von Adam Gehirn auf Ihren Bildschirm.

Ich habe das schwer fassbare geheime Formel, dass die Trainer haben seit dem Mittelalter der Suche entdeckt .. das ist richtig, ich habe entdeckt, wie man gewinnt. Es ist sehr einfach Sie sicherstellen, dass Ihre Gegner vergessen auftauchen, danke Maidens es, was ich das Schlimmste war, welche für die Beleuchtung in diesem Jahr glauben, dass Ihre Selbstlosigkeit durch leuchtete wie ein Leuchtfeuer für andere Trainer und Sie beschenkt mich mit einem Sieg.

Ich begrüße Ihre Aktionen, jetzt wollen wir mal sehen, ob die Woolibeans ebenso großzügige, wenn sie dieses Wochenende spielen an der Lichtkuppel, willkommen in Bayern Jungen sind.

Das neue Rathaus Ende eingang des renovierten Lichtkuppel

Auf Wiedersehen für jetzt, Adam W.

Week 8: Wash-up

Bye-shock played havoc with teams this week, as did the ongoing disrespect players, coordinators and coaches are showing to us poor fantasy players.

Lynch - 27 total yards for 2.7 points - what the hell Pete Carrol?
McCoy - 65 yards for 6.5 points - thank you Chip Kelly.
The Law Firm (BenJarvis Green-Ellis) a whopping 33 yards for 3.3 points.
Darren Sproles - zero.
Boooo!

It's harder to blame wide receivers and tight ends for sucking, but I'm going to call some out:

Mike Wallace - 4.9 points
Justin Blackmon - 3.0 points
Greg Jennings - 0.9 points. I'm not going to put all that on Mr Jennings - his terrible quarterback (I'm looking at you Christian Ponder) and stupid offensive coordinator only targeted him 3 times. THREE. He caught 1 of those 3 for 9 nine yards. What a waste of talent.

Speaking of waste of talent - I commented last week that Calvin Johnson is an obvious starter, despite sitting out last week on The Maiden's bench. The Maiden's unfortunately didn't update their team for Week 8. They got put to the flame by the Lighties, with five of nine players posting zeroes, including Calvin Johnson, who just happened to, well, how can I put it... HAVE A DAY AT THE RACES WITH 329 PASSING YARDS AND 37 POINTS.

Moving right along before I break down in tears. Again.

The Lighties did not have a particularly standout week, including two doughnuts, but did enough to post a win.

The Forces handed Agent P their third loss in a row and setting up a week of soul searching and player grilling. With the win the Forces take top spot on the ladder and bump Agent P down to 3rd place.

For another week Zim's quarterback rollercoaster goes round again. Start 'em and they suck. Sit 'em and they get a few points. Despite that, Run DMC (Darren McFadden), Jordy Nelson and the Bronc's defense stood strong and got the win over a bye-depleted Endless. It also doesn't help when you replace A-grade QB Aaron Rodgers with Mike Vick who then blows his hamstring early in the game. Poor Vick :(

With the sort of irony that only fantasy football can bring, Farnsworth's starting QB Peyton Manning scored less points this week than benched QB Andy Dalton. If you can't immediately place the irony, Peyton put up 45+ points for Farnsworth's bench in Week 1 while Dalton scored around 20 or so. For more QB irony, see Zim. The Farnsworth's also had an empty spot and a zero point player. With a team like that they were unable to bring the heartbreak (that seems reserved for people like me) and cut Breesus down to size. Breesus winning ways continues, with 6, count em SIX, wins in a row. Breesus was once again led by renowned name-thief Drew Brees who posted 33 points. Breesus's three running backs don't know what all the fuss is about, all posting 15+ points. Good for them... or whatever.

In the final game, Doof's Playinators were able to take down an under-resourced Woolibeans. It was Good Cam that showed up in Thursday Night Football and put up 28 points for Wooli, but the rest of the team let him down, including three zeroes. Doof was a bit all over the place - Kaepernick had a better game, Gore was strong and Welker showed up. The gamble of starting Colston did not pay off and Colston will probably be sent back to free agency where he belongs. I don't know why Drew Brees hates him this year, but I'm feeling the hate too.

Doof has now won 4 games straight and has activated The Gardener award. Can the US Forces cut Doof down to size next week? Can Zim cut Breesus at only 6 wins?

Award Ceremony

Yes, last week's award were not posted. I will endeavor to post Week 7 and 8 tonight/tomorrow night. My humblest apologies. 

Hypnotoad Award

Week 8's Hypnotoad Award goes to Breesus King of the Drews for putting up 112 points in a winning team.

Mission Accomplished Award

Continuing the QB irony, Andy Dalton's 31 points on the bench have helped the Farnsworth's take home the Mission Accomplished award for leaving 68 points on the bench and losing to Breesus. QB's are cruel, nasty people that care only for themselves, the bastards! (Except you Colin Kaeper... what's that, Kaep is on a bye this week? QB Free Agency stocks suck? NOOOOO, DAMN YOU TOO COLIN KAEPERNICK)

Black Flag Award

The Black Flag Award goes to Woolibeans for beating his projected score by 7 points.

Most Satisfying Player Award

This weeks Most Satisfying Player should be Calvin Johnson. Should. But as someone (IT WAS THE MAIDENS) left him on the bench the award defaults to Drew Brees who posted 33 points, and is therefore awarded to Breesus King of the Drews. The two sweetest words in the English language, DE-FAULT!

Player Profile: Calvin Johnson

I'm going to take the opportunity to send some serious love to one of my favourite players. I've mentioned him before, but I can't get enough: Calvin Johnson.

Last night I watched Detroit Lions v Dallas Cowboys. In that game I watched my man catch for 329 yards - the 2nd of all time, a mere 7 yards behind the all-time single-game leader. In 2012 Johnson set the season-high receiving record with 1,964 yards, surpassing Jerry Rice. And that with broken fingers. His wikipedia entry puts him at 6ft 5, 107kg. He can run 40-yards in 4.35 and 100m in 10.23 seconds. His vertical leap in 2007 was 42.5 inches. Given the way he 'dunks' a ball over the cross bar, which is 10ft tall, I'd imagine he could easily reach 11+feet.

And you can have all that for a mere 8-year $132m contract.

A segued comparison, if you will. Lance Franklin is the same height, 5kgs lighter and $122m poorer. I'd love to know what Franklin's 40-yard and 100m times are, not to mention his vertical, unfortunately the AFL does not appear to record such interesting, comparative stats.

Last week we watched Megatron catch the ball between three defenders in the end-zone. This week he only had a 2-yard touchdown catch, but his highlight reel is extensive.

NFL Films has done me a solid and put together his catches in one 2:35 package. I strongly recommend watching it.  His fourth quarter catches are just extraordinary. Check out the one at the 1:30 mark - chest mark running with the flight of the ball between two defenders. And then he tacks on some more yards. And then the catch with about 40 seconds to go, again with the flight of the ball, again bumps off a defender. That catch put Detroit on the 1-yard line, 6 points down with seconds to go in the game. QB Stafford.. well, you watch how it ended.


In the game Johnson dropped two passes that both went to the Cowboys for turnovers. He just picked himself up, chastised himself quietly and got on with the game. No theatrics. His touchdown pass - just gently passed the ball back to the referee. I'm sorry to say that Dez Bryant, often compared to Johnson, was not so demure. Towards the end of the game he was remonstrating with team-mates because he didn't have the ball thrown to him enough. Sorry diva, you might be physically comparable to Megatron, but between the ears its a different story.

Calvin Johnson.

Finding a new day job...

The performance of Agent P's team in the past few weeks is prompting Agent P to consider changing his name and finding a new day job. It's either that or a training camp for the team on Planet Blorch.

Agent P becomes Mr Potato

Week 8: Match-ups

With six teams on the bye, Week 8 could be the most challenging to date as owners try to compensate for the huge amount of players that won't be starting. Let's see how everyone did:

US Forces (145) v Agent P (127)

No problems here fielding full teams as the top 2 teams duke it out for top spot. This one probably won't be decided until early Tuesday afternoon as the Forces QB, Wilson, takes the field in Monday Night Football. Agent P is betting the house that starters Mendenhall and Petersen a) both start and b) put in big games. Petersen especially needs to stand up, but burying a two-year son last week is a pretty good (horrible) reason for a poor game.

Lighties (129) v Maidens (42)

The Maidens are suffering from bye-shock with three starters not playing this week, along with starting WR Robby White having a projected 0 points from injury. This can be corrected pretty quickly by putting Big Ben Roethlishberger and Alex Henery in the game and making sure Calvin Johnson is in the side. Megatron should always be in the side. Did you see his TD last week? Against 3-defenders? Are you kidding me? I <3 Megatron. The Lighties have a solid team this week and should bounce back from their shock loss last week.

Endless (65) v Zim (109)

Endless too has bye-shock and is down a few players - and also should note that Finley will not be playing through injury. Zim will be looking to finally beat her ongoing QB-shock, and as a fellow Patriots supporter and Gronkowski-starter I too am looking to Tom Brady for a big game against Divisional rival Miami Dolphins.

Farnsworth (100) v Breesus (128)

The big question of the week, can the Farnsworth's claim The Gardener by cutting off Breesus five-game winning streak? This is also the best QB match-up with Manning v Brees. It's true that Manning lost last week, and his scores have been going down. But he is also facing the Washington defense this week, which is pretty damn poor. And Drew Brees is, well, Drew Brees. It wasn't his fault the Patriots won with 4-seconds to go two weeks ago. BAM!

Doof's Playinators (125) v Woolibeans (63)

One player short for the Wooli's this week as Reggie Wayne is on a bye and also on season ending IR. Cam Newton plays this morning for Wooli which may well set the tone for the rest of the weekend. Good Cam or bad Cam? Doof is taking a punt with Colin Kaepernick who has certainly struggled this season, but like RGIII is getting better as the season goes on.

A couple of extras this week fresh from nfl.com:

Injury report - who is safe to start?
Defense 101 - get some deeper insight into how defenses work

Start em or Sit em - Week 8

Week 8 has six, count em 6, teams on byes. Plus the multitudes on injuries. So here are the experts tips on how to fill in the gaps.

Remember, you can trade between teams. See someone useful to you on someone else's bench? Put in a trade offer. I totally ripped equitably traded with Endless on a trade last week. With Jermichael Finley injured she should be thanking me for trading her Jason Witten!

Quarterbacks

Running Backs

Wide Receivers

Tight Ends

Kickers

Defenses

Week 7: Wash-up

I'll begin this week's wash-up with a most interesting observation. In my Week 7: Match-ups column I noted that Breesus did not have an active QB, the team's namesake was on his bye week. Breesus, ever observant, streamlined in Jay Cutler, a QB having no poor season. Ironically for us, Breesus would have been better off starting Drew Brees as Jay Cutler posted -0.88 points. That's right, negative points. In the final summation it made no difference to the fate of the team as the Lighties were unable to take advantage and Breesus won the game comfortably. This means The Gardener award is still up for grabs in Week 8.

I'm going to label Week 7 as Injury Round. Quite a few players went down injured this week including Jay Cutler. Other notables include Nick Foles, Doug Martin and Sam Bradford. Be careful when picking up players off waiver or free agency this week.

It is a common sight across all match-ups that 60-70% of players are not performing, a team wins based solely on the backs of 1-2 players. It is good fortune if you have those players, poor if you do not.

Breesus was favourable this week despite Cutler's score, Decker, Jackson and Hauscka being the difference makers. Despite Lynch's good game for the Seahawks it did not translate into a great game for the Lighties.

Endlessnessism bucked the trend this week posting 3-4 good scoring players and defeating the Farnsworth's quite comfortably. Forte made up for Cutler's absence on the field with a good running game (28pts), Rodgers had another good game at QB and the 49ers also posted good numbers for the defense. On the other side, Peyton Manning scored well in the broncos first loss of the season, the rest of the Farnsworth's were simply there, being quite unobtrusive - the lazy jerks.

Wooli put up three good scores to comfortably defeat the Maidens. The Maidens were led by week-leader Andrew Luck (30pts) but the Maidens also posted two donuts, which will not get the job done. This win lifts Wooli from 10th on the ladder into 8th place, jumping over Farnsworth and leaving the Maidens wallowing in last place.

Zim's frustration at the QB spot continued with her starting QB again sucking while benched QB posting ok numbers. The collusion between Smith and Brady needs to stop now! Running Back Jacquizz Rodgers posted his best numbers for the season for Zim, while the Broncos defense sucked hard with 0 points. The Forces, meanwhile, had 3-4 solid performers in Bullock, the Patriots def, Dez Bryant and Steve Smith. Not great numbers, but enough to get by and get the win.

In the final game of the round Doof edged out Agent P by a measly 6 points - Agent P's second close loss in a row. Gore led the way for Doof, posting 22 points and Kicker Gostkowski scored well. The rest was junk. For Agent P, two solid performers and 5 junk and 6 points short.

The top of the league table is now jammed with three teams sitting at 5-2, Agent P, Forces and Breesus. Agent P and Forces face off in Week 8 and Breesus takes on serial heartbreaker Farnsworth.

Award Ceremony

Hypnotoad Award

Congratulations to Endlessnessism for taking home the Hypno this week. Endless posted 116 points in a good win over Farnsworths.

Mission Accomplished Award

Ingoldstadt left a whopping 82 points on the bench this week and lost to Breesus King of the Drews. That is 16 more points on the bench that the active players. I recommend seeing Zim about holidaying some of those guys to Blorch.

Black Flag Award

Endlessnessism picks up the Black Flag award for outscoring the projection by 21 points - great coaching job!

Most Satisfying Player Award

The Maidens take home the Most Satisfying Player award for starting Andrew Luck who was the League highest scorer. Too bad the Luck didnt rub off on any other players. Week 8 for sure!

Not over yet....

Round 7 still has a couple of plays left. Agent P girds his loins.....

It's gatorade in that bottle.

Arian Foster wants you to have a piece of him

Interesting article over at Wonkblog about being able to buy shares in Arian Foster's, the Running Back for the Houstan Texans, future earnings. If he does well, so do you!

Wonkblog are a bit meh on the whole thing, and for well articulate reasons, but I think its an interesting experiment in an athlete placing more expectation on himself to perform well over the long term. A lot of NFL players when they get a big, long-term contract tend to suck afterwards. It's not limited to NFL, we see the same thing in AFL - think Travis Cloke this year. He was good, but certainly down. Why? No real reason to perform, he got his big contract. That's sort of the wisdom of the unwashed masses anyway.

Can increased, long-term expectations help Foster play better, longer? Some of its up to him, some up to the other players on his team, and some up to luck - staying free of injuries.

I wish him well.

East West College Bowl is back...

Weishaupt’s Conspiratorial Corner

The secret thoughts brought forth from Adam’s brain to your screen.

There's a new crop of players playin' for East West pride .... I can't wait to Fudge and eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee up against each other.

And now they sing

Auf Wiedersehen for now, Adam W.

Week 7: Match-ups

Week 7 gets under way with a fascinating inter-Divisional game between the Seattle Seahawks and the Arizona Cardinals. The Seahawks are one of the best teams in the competition after six weeks, but its difficult to write off the Card's, especially in a Divisional game at their own stadium.

Other tasty inter-Divisional games this week include Steelers v Ravens and Cowboys v Redskins - among others.

The NFL divides its 32 teams into two Conferences (NFC and AFC) and then each Conference into four Divisions (North, South, East and West). Each year the four teams in each Division play each other twice, once each at home and away. The Divisional games are typically fierce affairs, each team knows each other pretty well (from playing them so often) and the stakes are high. The team atop the Division at the end of the season goes straight into the play-offs. Several years ago the NFC West was won by the Seahawks with a 9-7 record. Other teams in the playoffs that year had 13-3 type records. It can be quite uneven, but the good/bad record holders are usually filtered in the first week of the playoffs.

Maidens (83) v Wooli (141)

The most un-even projected match-up of the Week, Wooli has a 60 point lead on the Maidens. As it stands on Friday morning there are two 0's in the Maiden's line-up, one injury and one bye. Updating these positions will go some distance to making up the ground. Wooli will be hoping for another big week from his QB Cam Newton and a big week, period, from RB's MJD and Doug Martin, who have both played below expectations this year.

Zim (121) v Forces (141)

Fresh off a good win and claiming The Gardener award Zim will be hoping to consolidate against fellow military powerhouse US Forces. The Forces dropped a game last week against notorious heartbreakers the Farnsworths. The loss had little to do with the Farns, however, and all to do with the Forces not starting a QB. That error has been resolved with Matty 'Ice' Ryan ready to go. The Forces will be hoping for another standout game from star WR DeSean Jackson, while Zim will be hoping Boldin can finally put some points on the board, and seeing how noob Randle can perform for the Cowboys.

Breesus (110) v Lighties (144)

With a 4-game winning streak Breesus King of the Drews has activated The Gardener conditions, which the Lighties will be playing for this week. Breesus is not doing himself any favours with his QB off on a bye, but no doubt that will be corrected before gametime Monday morning. Much of the Lighties fate rest on RB Marshawn Lynch and whether he can have a Beast performance in todays game. In like fashion, Breesus will be looking for his two RB's to rush for over a buck each if he hopes to keep his winning streak active.

Farnsworths (117) v Endless (95)

The Farnsworth's are gambling big this week with Shorts and Spiller both game-time decisions as to whether they are starting or not, and the Cowboys defense facing the Eagles offence. But fortune favours the brave! Perennial favourite Aaron Rodgers was to be the jewel in Endless's crown but frustratingly has not posted good numbers this year. RB LeSean McCoy should run well against the weakened Cowboys defense and the 49ers are starting to pick up speed which will aid her defense's chances.

Doof (134) v Agent P (116)

The evil scientist Dr Doofenschmirtz will be engaged in a bitter struggle of supremacy this week as the horrible secret agent, Perry the Platypus, tries to undo his plans for domination of the entire tri-state area.

Or to put it another way, Agent P, under order from OWACA, will be looking to foil the mad plans of Dr Doofenschmirtz this week and try to prevent him from taking over the entire tri-state area and thus securing the peace and safety for all residents.

Whichever side you're on this should be a good battle between the two. In typical fashion Doof should take an early lead (trapped platypus: check) before Perry breaks out of the trap and ruins everything/saves the day.

I Love Charts

Weishaupt’s Conspiratorial Corner

The secret thoughts brought forth from Adam’s brain to your screen.

I'm tall enough to be Linebacker or Defensive Tackle, wish I was tall enough to be an average Tight End

Auf Wiedersehen for now, Adam W.

Week 6: Wash-up

Lighties head coach A.W.
falling short to Breesus
by 0.42 points*

The Heartbreak Award (not a real award) for Week 6 goes to the Ingoldstadt Illuminators. "Wait a sec!" you may exclaim, "the Lighties stomped home for a good win against Endless." Very perceptive! The Lighties did win, but they did not win enough. With a total score of 112.02 they fell 0.42 points short of Breesus King of the Drews. In doing so, Breesus takes home the coveted Hypnotoad Award for Week 6, and the Lighties receive baleful glances from the rest of us. No doubt, much like how Drew Brees and co feel this week, falling 6 seconds short to the rampaging Patriots.

Several teams came close to the Lighties for the non-Award. Agent P, obviously, dropping her first game. But as it was the first loss and she still sits in first place - no. In typical fashion, the Farnsworth's handed out some Heartbreak to the strong US Forces - if only the Forces had bothered to field a QB! Like the one sitting on the bench with 13 game-winning points! In like fashion, the Maiden gave themselves some pain by starting a player on a bye. While Wooli started 2-bye'd players and had a good loss.

Once again Week 6 was mired with inconsistent scoring from all types of players. Peyton Manning had a quiet week with 13 points. He is still the league leader with 22 TDs and only 2 Interceptions on the season - a new League record. And the Bronco's are 6-0, along with the Chiefs (who finished 2-14 last year) - so Peyton is still an automatic starter. Cam Newton posted a great score, while Brees, Brady, Smith, Rodgers and of course Rivers all struggled. And unless you have DeSean Jackson as your wide-out, you're just playing a guessing game week in and week out. Eagles v Cowboys this week, Jackson should be in for another monster. Tip of the hat to the Chiefs defense, 26 points.

The overall League standings had no movement in the top 5 and some shuffling in the bottom 5. Congrats to the Farnsworth's for moving off the bottom and into 9th place! Perhaps this is the start of the Superbowl Run? Wooli - you have some work to do.

Award Ceremony

We start the Week 6 Award Ceremony by introducing the new Award: The Gardener. The Gardener is awarded to the team that defeats a team with a 4+ game winning streak The Gardener represents the absolute pinnacle in Australian sportsmanship - cutting down the tall poppy.

The Gardener

The inaugural The Gardener is presented to Zim's Doomydoom's for defeating the 5-game winning streak Agent P. In a game that left much to be desired for both teams, Zim somehow came out on top and cut Agent P's winning streak.

A reminder that Breesus King of the Drews has just hit 4-games in a row, so The Gardener is available for the taking by the Illuminators. Maybe they can restore some heartbreak through some pruning?

Hypnotoad Award

The Week 6 Hypnotoad Award goes to Breesus King of the Drews for posting 112.44 points in a winning team. In a team full of meh, Breesus got by with a little help from Moreno and the Chiefs defense, both posting above-average scores.

Mission Accomplished

The Week 6 Mission Accomplished Award goes to Woolibeans for leaving 56 points on the bench in a losing team.

Black Flag

According to the system there was no winner for the Black Flag award this week - no one beat their projections. If anyone can prove otherwise and wants to claim the Award let me know.

Most Satisfying Player

The Most Satisfying Player award goes to Woolibeans for starting Cam Newton, the highest rated player in the league this week with over 30 points. Cam and the Panthers look to be making a bit of a stand, having some good games. About time, Newton has consistency under-performed against his expectations (Number 1 draft pick in 2011). To be fair, the Panthers have no been able to support him being a rather poor team. Hopefully they can play some good ball now.

*Love that gif!

The fantasy becomes a nightmare.

From the safety of his doomsday bunker and wrapped in his favourite velvet smoking jacket, Agent P stares into the middle distance, a glass of whiskey clutched in paw. What went so wrong? Was it Zim's illegal use of biological weapons and CIA torture techniques? Quite possibly. Or was it hubris? Struck down by the gods, jealous of Agent P's unparalleled success? Almost definitely. 

But wait! A ray of sunshine amidst the gloom. Round 7 beckons and with it the promise of greater glory! Victory over Agent P's arch-nemesis himself, 'Dr' Doofenshmirtz. It all makes sense now. Round 6 was a gift from Zim, designed to focus Agent P's attention to the real battle ahead. Game on Doof, game on.

How to beat a platypus - sneak peak at DoomyDoom Board deliberations

Ok, so there are some who may be wondering how did Zim, who has lost the last few games, beat the until now undefeated Agent P?  Well the answer is not springing a ridiculous trap that any platypus worth his dime could get out of (yes Doof, I'm looking at you).  Certainly the Garthim can spring a pretty nasty trap... and that is how it all started, but unlike Doof's traps, this one was not just for that cunning platypus.  You all sneered when I sent my ENTIRE TEAM to Blorch - now look at them!  Ok, so only Jordy really played well (that and Brady on my bench).  The point is, I had a plan. A terrible, fantastic plan!  Muahahahahaha!

The trap started with an invitation for the Agent P head coach to a dinner with the Doomydoom board.  She would not come 'unaided' and was thus 'escorted' to the Board meeting with some 'assistance' from the Garthim.  As shown below in the documentary style minutes of the Doomydoom board meeting:

One of Zim's skilled Skesis' has a 'chat' with Jimmy Graham,
you know, just to see if he was happy with Agent P.

The Agent P head coach's concerns regarding gelflings and other ridiculous ramblings were not actioned by the Board (suck it!) because she was only really brought there as an elaborate diversion so that I could talk to her starting Tight End behind her back.

Chamberlain recommended a great Skesis who I understand is generally pleasant and good to be around.  As a side-note, I also understand that this Skesis has just completed his doctorate in medical experimentation ethics and hopes to be advising senior government and/or sporting team officials soon.  In the mean time, he made himself available to Zim's DoomyDooms.   He had a chat with Mr Graham, you know, about the normal sorts of things Skesis' worry about: Gelflings, crystal shards, the consequences of short selling pod-people stocks, the importance of dietary fibre, the pending US default...

Jimmy was a bit of a bad sport about the whole thing.  We were just
trying to win a game and he was a total baby about it.

Despite our offerings, Jimmy was not open to bribery or just plain taking a dive for kicks (or for the bookies).  So we released* Jimmy back into the wild where he was happy and performed well* on the day.

We also advised Marques Colston of the friendly chat and after seeing the fine state of his buddy Jimmy, Colston also performed well*.

*For accuracy please replace 'released' with 'drained of his essence' and 'performed well' with 'tanked'.

On a side note, has anyone seen my Predator?  He's not answering my calls. We were meant to annihilate the Jaguars.  If my Predator were on the defense, Jacksonville would have been destroyed, rather than merely defeated (which was a pretty much a gimme).

Bring the DOOM people, bring the DOOM.

Too old...

I don't usually say this, but Weisenhaupt might be right.

Brees couldnt even beat the Patriots!

It was close, real close. *SPOILER ALERT* Down 4 points with just over a minute to go Tom Brady marched down the field and threw a 17 yard TD with 5 seconds to go.

And just how did Rob Ryan, Defensive Coordinator of the Saints respond?

Ok, it wasn't all Brees fault, he was playing with a pretty banged up crew as well. And he did enough to put them in front with just over a minute to go.

Still, can't get enough of sad Rob Ryan.

Also, if you can get a hold of the last 2-3 minutes of the Saints @ Patriots game, totally worth watching. Brady really is a master.

Zim v Agent P - Game On

There are a number of games still be decided this morning, as the Indianapolis Colts face off against the San Diego Chargers (Doof v Maidens for example). But there is one game in particular that is worthy of talking about: Zim v Agent P.

Zim's score is done, she can get no points: 68.42. Not a great score. But it could well be a winning score. 

Agent P - what can we say? Too much tinkering? Fate? Just Zim bringing the doom? 43.3 points. Yep, 43. Not 143. Agent P has one player left and needs to make up a 25.12 point differential. Can Philip Rivers, the oft troubled quarterback for the Chargers, do it? Or can the Colts defense stand strong and support the Doom?

We'll know in a few short hours. Until then I plan on watching the Game Center worm, and most likely post a few comments to this thread as the game unwraps.

Stay tuned.

Too old to play

Weishaupt’s Conspiratorial Corner

The secret thoughts brought forth from Adam’s brain to your screen.

I know that round 6 isn't over but it’s time to start prep for round 7.  Now there’s a rule in life, well if not a rule then a guideline that old men shouldn't play football … and well let’s face it Brees is OLD, you may say that Peyton maybe older at 37 and he dominates, but that’s ‘cause he’s a freak and anyway we’re not talking about him* we’re taking about Brees.  In the eternally truthful words of Tammy Wynette, which were obviously written about Brees after all he’s just a man.  Will this man’s knees even survive to start another game? And don’t get me started on his throwing arm, it’s looking weaker every time he takes the field, but that’s probably because it’s tired from all the midweek bingo at the retirement home.  His offensive line always looks confuse, wanna know why?  I’ll tell you it’s because they don’t know what play he’s calling, he gets confused and makes up numbers on the spot …….

would you start a QB this old?

Now some people, like Rookie Coach Breesus will point to his record this season saying he’s the second best QB in the NFL.  But I say to this, obviously sacrificing Texas collage QBs to cthulhu is working for him, but dark pacts enviably go wrong and the incorrect wording or the silly time frames come back to bite you….. I think the stars are right and it’s time for Brees to run and hide in a brightly lit public place before the crawling darkness comes for him.  Just a friendly bit of advice from someone who knows about this stuff….

What is Breesus as a team without its name sake at the helm, that’s right a broken team living in fear of the …… wait a minute that’s the phone

Hello, Adam speaking ……… on a Bye you say ……. What do you mean I should have looked at the team rosters ….. well then his back up QB …… what do you mean he don’t have one ……. Ok, bye then, thanks for calling.

Sorry about that, err, forget this rant if you could please …. Err apparently Brees isn’t playin’.  So I’ll come back to you after the midweek trades and Breesus picks up some third string ancient hack and let you know why he’s no good.  It’ll probably be something to do with Yog-Sothoth or some other elder god ….

Auf Wiedersehen for now, Adam W.

*there’s dirt on him too that I’ll bring up when Farnsworth comes back to the light dome.

A rewarding day for some

Weishaupt’s Conspiratorial Corner

The secret thoughts brought forth from Adam’s brain to your screen.

Ohh just looked at the scores ..... At the time of press (this is a newspaper right … I mean I’m not writing for some fan blog or something?) with a 25pt deficit for Perry to make up it looks like Zim could be collecting the bounty  .... er ...sorry league commissioner  I really meant to say the Reward for Excellence.

Zim fill in your own details

Auf Wiedersehen for now, Adam W.

Low projections are not what they seem

It has come to my attention that sending my entire team to BLORCH after last week's dismal performance may have resulted in a low projection.  Apparently, the "projector experts" believe that BLORCH, with its toxic air and slaughtering rat people, tend to cause disease and other co-morbidities (such as Anquon Boldin's state of catatonia the last few weeks - what else would explain his non-performances?).

So I've decided to hedge my bets and have a complete knee jerk over-reaction styled new strategy (as is my modus operandi).  This week, against that pitiful platypus I shall use the Garthim as my offensive linemen! Who would honestly oppose them?  Would you?  I get that Agent P is a semi-aquatic, egg laying mammal of action - but these are the GARTHIM.  They are scary as hell.

The Garthim will eat delicious Platy-Pie this week, just like any other pod person.
FEAST MY GARTHIM!  FEAST!
MUWAAHAHAAHAHHAHAAHHAHA!

Oh, and in the interests of disclosure - apparently, radiation sickness due to that stupid love sick Predator

Can't we just agree that this is getting ridiculous already? Give me back
my Predator, Ingolstadt.  Seriously.

detonating in Denver a couple weeks back has also impacted the Broncho-Def performance last week. Nevertheless, I stand by my Predator-poor-loser-nuke-response strategy.  I am also secretly hoping the radiation will make them super-powered mutants, but I understand that can take some time. What I cannot abide, however, is Ingolstadt's hussy Alien, still wooing my Predator.  Tame that goddam Alien Ingolstadt, it is getting embarrassing for everyone.

And don't think I don't have alternative escalations and hysterical knee-jerk reaction strategies up my sleeve.  There are much more frightening and irrational things than my recruitment scout out there.

[Still maniacally cackling from the Garthim announcement]

Week 6: Match-ups

Some very close games projected for Week 6, but where the hell do these projected numbers come from? Some seem just so entirely random.And I'm basing my entire happiness and emotional state on these?

Good luck to all coaches, except of course the Maidens and Agent P.

Agent P (130) v Zim's Doomydooms (96)

I have no idea how Agent P is able to get a projection so high, what with so many players sucking so much week in and week out. I can only assume there is cheating going on - there I said it! I'm only surprised it took this long. Colston at 22 points? Against the NE defense? Pft. Where Zim has Ray Rice with <10 projected? Pft. A reminder that a special Award is up for grabs should Zim take down Agent P this week. Clever Award Name (tm) still to be decided.

Woolibeans (75) v Breesus (118)

Wooli has two starters that are not starting, some swapping around is in order otherwise Breesus will run away with this game. But again, Brees with 26 points against NE and Victor Cruz at 26 points against the Bears? Breesus is on a 3-game winning streak while Wooli is looking to stop what would be a 5-game losing streak.

US Forces (124) v Farnsworths (125)

This is projected to be a real close one. The Forces points are spread evenly through the team while the Farnsworth's will be looking to Peyton to be, well, the 2013 Peyton. He is only projected to score 30 points against the Jaguars for the Farnsworths? The Forces are sitting pretty at 4-1, while the Farnsworth's are languishing behind the pack.

Lighties (123) v Endlessnessism (122)

Another very close match-up, and this time with projected scores that look vaguely reasonable. The Lighties have dropped a couple while Endless picked up a good win last week.

Maidens (101) v Doofs (116)

The Maidens dropped a game last week whle the Doof's won, and both teams are sitting on the rather crowded 2-3 ratio. A good game to Peyton Manning means a good game to the Playinator's who have Welker and Thomas who depend on Manning, so Doof will be hoping Manning posts massive numbers this week. It helps the Heartbreakers, but so be it. The Maidens are sporting a solid line-up expect for Roddy White who is both on a bye and possibly spending a few weeks on the bench. Expect the Maidens to swap White for Megatron before Sunday night is over.

Start em or Sit em - Week 6

Tips from the fantasy experts on whether to start or sit players in week 6.

Quarterbacks

Running Backs

Wide Receivers

Tight Ends

Kickers

Defenses

Week 5: Around the League

The Shek Report -SHAAAAAAAME

Top 10 plays of Week 5

Fantasy assistance for Week 6

Week 4 Power Rankings

Agent P on a mission against Zim's doomydooms!

The stakes are higher than ever, so Agent P is infiltrating Zim's lair to discover the game plan ahead of time.

Agent P disguised as Gir disguised as Agent P.

Who is the aggressor here?

It's easy to take a picture out of context, like Doof did in the last post. Obviously Agent P was helping Doof hold in a sneeze. It was all kindness. As you can see, Agent P and Doof are the best of friends. Why do you keep hurting Agent P by denying it Doof? Why?

This picture has not been edited.

It's not a bounty, its an award for excellence

I already said it wasn't a bounty, its an AWARD for EXCELLENCE.

And you can't fool us with those adorable pictures, I, the great Dr Heinz Doofenschmirtz, present evidence of Agent P's martial nature:

What sort of cute, cuddly platypus has a superhero outfit? And why does he look so menacing?

Actual file footage of Perry the Platypus actively sabotaging my fantasy football team. You can see Perry is the clear aggressor, while I am the victim. 

Bounty on cuteness!?

Let's call it what it is people. A bounty. All to bring down this? For shame.

For the love of the game.

Week 5: Wash-up

Farnsworth's heart

Agent P would have broken heart of the serial heartbreaker, except clinical studies have confirmed that the Farnsworths have no heart - just a lump of coal. Black. Cold. Uncaring. Coal. The industrious platypus stole the game by under 4 points, relying on Julio Jones to post 9.9 points in Monday nights game. That will be the last hurrah Jones provides Agent P, as after winning the game for the secret Agent, he went down injured, most likely for the season. The Farnsworths excellent score was led by Peyton Manning who again dominated for the Broncos. Despite the loss they will be relieved Agent P did not start Tony Romo, who posted a week high 40.94 points - points left on the bench. Agent P's first mistake of the season, irrelevant as she still won. It's a little insulting to the rest of us who have good players that just keep sucking.

I am hereby offering an additional Award to the team that can bring down Agent P (clever award name tbc). Some may call this a bounty, but in this league we don't approve of Bounty programs. This is merely an award for excellence. Zim is first up with a shot at the new award - I'm sure we all wish her the best of luck. Remember, you can offer up your players to Zim to assist with The Great Monotreme Hunt.

My game of the week prediction was a bit of a white wash, with Endlessnessism (2-3) pulling the Wooli's (1-4) into the Endless void, and squishing them into nothingness. Maybe not quite that bad, only a 20 point win. Like Zim's Doomydooms, Wooli suffered from a swath of players that couldn't be bothered, for yet another week. Endless won mostly off the back of her Defense, the 49ers. Funnily, the 49ers won off the backs of their defense too.

Dez Bryant: file footage

As the Forces can attest with their gun quarterback, 49ers star Colin Kaepernick, posting another sub-10 game. Despite Kaepernick's suck, the Forces still handsomely extinguished the Lighties flame. The Forces attacked the Lighties from the flanks, first thrusting with Jamaal Charles and then bringing out their Beast, Dez Bryant. For good measure, DeSean Jackson was let loose to have some fun. It was unmatched brutality and the Lighties just switched off. The Forces sit pretty at 4-1, the Lighties drop to 3-2.

Breesus continued their winning streak (3-2) with a dominating win over the Maidens. An uncharacteristically low score to playmaker Drew Brees was rectified by a strong performace by RB Knowshon Moreno. The Chiefs defense also posted a healthy score. The Maidens suffered a similar fate to the Detroit Lions - both had to lineup without one of the best players in the NFL: Calvin Johnson. Without Megatron onboard both the Maidens and the Lions just couldnt muster any offense. Blackmon being a rare spark in his first game back from suspension.

In the final game of the week the less talked about the better. Zim's players sleep-walked through their games and are all now at Blorch for re-education. Ray Rice can attest to its usefulness as he finally scored above 20. Peyton Manning's domination assisted the Doof's with 30 points coming from his amazing passing game, Welker and Thomas being the recipients. Thanks to Mat Ryan for sucking when the QB I dropped posted his season high tally. I'm sorry, Russell Wilson - can we make up?

Award Ceremony

Hypnotoad Award

The award for the Most Points again again and again goes to Agent P. This is the fourth week in a row - ok, good for you or whatever.

Mission Accomplished

The award for the Most Points Left On The Bench In A Losing Team goes to Woolibeans, with a whopping 75 points.

Black Flag

The Week 4 Black Flag is awarded to the Farnsworths for beating the projection by 9 points.

Most Satisfying Player

The Week 4 Most Satisfying Player award also goes to the Farnsworths for starting Peyton Manning. Congrats for making up for the Week 1 error, which was of course replicated in Week 5 by Agent P, who left the week high 40 points on the bench. I don't think anyone expected 40 points and over 500 yards passing from Tony Romo. Peyton Manning, meanwhile, is simply stunning to watch this season.